Pointless amusement

Brokelyn Blizzard Survival Guide 2k17

New York City tomorrow, we assume - via Wikimedia
New York City tomorrow, we assume. Photo via Wikimedia

If you’ve made small talk with a single New Yorker today, you know we’re looking at a monumental blizzard tomorrow. The city has already cancelled school tomorrow and issued a hazardous travel advisory, and the National Weather Service says to expect up to a record-breaking 23 inches of snow. And, while a record-breaking nor’easter two weeks after a 70-degree day might sound like the end of days, it hopefully means you’ll get a snow day (providing your job isn’t in the service industry, very, very important, or able to be accomplished with just a MacBook and some Wi-Fi)! This winter being as mild as it has been, this might be your one and only chance to stay at home while mother nature physically prevents you from doing anything but relax.

With that in mind, we’ve got a few suggestions for what you might need to make the most of your natural disaster, both practical and not so much.Food, water, supplies, yada yada yada
Obviously, before you start asking for your friends’ HBO Go login, you should probably make sure that you’re actually safe and stocked. So grab some canned goods (even though all the most delicious goods are perishable), bottled water just in case something happens to your tap, a flashlight in case something happens to your electricity, and a shovel and salt to keep your apartment clear (it might be a good time to check your lease to see if your responsible or not). Practical supplies aren’t the most fun part of a blizzard but if everything’s fine, you’ll come out of this thing lousy with canned pineapple slices.

Any and all streaming video services
OK, now that that’s out of the way, you can start asking for your friends’ HBO Go login. A blizzard is the perfect excuse to stay inside and watch every episode of Cheers, even if you’ve already seen every episode of Cheers. Plus, as you may have noticed from the recent proliferation of teen vampire gifs on the internet, Buffy the Vampire Slayer just celebrated its 20th anniversary and it’s coming off Netflix at the end of the month, which means that it’s your civic duty as an American to rewatch the whole series. Plus, Hulu has a huge SNL backlog if you’re getting bored of Alec Baldwin’s pronounced bottom lip, and HBO Go has enough John Oliver to remind you that the world is still bad outside.

Love and/or lust
And who better to watch all that classic television with than someone you love, and, if you don’t love anyone, than perhaps a stranger from the Internet. If you’re in a couple, a snow day is a solid opportunity to stay inside and get cozy without wondering what all your single friends are doing, and if you’re that single friend, then it’s a solid opportunity for some online dating. New Yorkers are notoriously skilled at turning snow storms into hookup opportunities and you don’t want to miss out and spend the day alone, do you (actually, that sounds great)? So get online, change those proximity settings to “within a mile” and get chatting. If you’re looking for a good starting line, well, the plays on “Netflix and chill” write themselves or, of course, there’s always the tried and true “I have snacks.”

There’s a lot of temptation to be a jerk in a blizzard, but remember, there is a world around you and we don’t know that kharma isn’t a thing. So before you fully give in to snow hedonism, take a few moments to be a responsible adult. If it’s your responsibility to clear your sidewalk and you don’t do it, then you don’t get to complain about your neighbor’s terrifying dog ever again. Likewise, if you order Seamless to be delivered to your house, the delivery person is legally allowed to come inside and shame you (or they should be anyway). And if you blow it on the food and you do need to order something, just make sure you give them a big tip (avoiding eye contact doesn’t count as a tip).

A phone
Last but not least, if you, like most of us, aren’t originally from New York, it might be a good idea to call your family and let them know that you’re OK. Even if it’s obvious here that everything’s fine, the whole point of news channels and the Internet is seemingly to make your parents terrified for your safety. There aren’t a ton of big, exciting weather stories, so when there is a monster storm coming, your family across the country might see it online as a snowpocalypse, snowmageddon or snowtural snowsastsnow.

If all that fails or you get stir-crazy, you could always venture outside for a little exploration of post-apocalyptic New York, head to the park and sled (life hack: sledding is fun) or even make a little money helping out your neighbors. And, if the world does collapse and turn to a snow-based economy, make sure you get some dry ice so that all your money doesn’t melt.

One Response to

  1. Sheabear18

    Sounds better then buying to many gallons of milk and bread. You will wake up and the only thing to eat is milk and bread. I guess some toast and coffee will be OK. But it’s all over now unless your car is plowed in.

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