Not to be a Dennis Downer, but it probably sucks to be a single lady in New York City, especially of the attractive, driven, smart type, which, last I checked, is like 85 percent of yous. You outnumber dudes, so you are forced to hit on whatever human mackerel you find swimming around at Lucky Dog or whathaveyou. Not to mention that Adam, once he went all stalkery and creepo, instantly became the most realistic character on Girls. I have seen that inky stare of desperation across too many faces, even including one that was being dragged away by the cops in practically the same situation (LEAVE MY LIFE OUT OF THIS, LENA). A lot of you make more money than us and are willing to pick up the check, yet still my lady friends can’t seem to find even a simple winter’s bone.
But the sad truth is that we, the dudes of Brooklyn, the broliteriate, if you will, are apparently not helping the situation at all. I present exhibits A through Z: Every single time there’s some sort of singles event/date-off/sexy party, the place is overflowing with ladies, and not just any ladies, but babes, cute girls with food blogs, light brown hair and quirky skirts or tall ones with stylish glasses and a hopeful smile who can’t help but bite the side of their lip out of nervousness. Take, for example, the Literary Speed Dating our friend Jo Firestone is hosting at Housing Works on the day before Valentine’s day. She’s got binders full of women, and practically no men, so much so that there is now a freaking discount for straight guys. What gives, bros?
This is a LITERARY Speed Dating event at an awesome bookstore, it’s called I LIKE YOUR GLASSES and it’s on the day before Valentine’s Day. Dudes, easier fishing you could not find if you were throwing dynamite over the boat, Crocodile Dundee style. Yet Jo had to resort to posting this on Facebook:
2. It seems like we have only heterosexual women signed up.
3. HETEROSEXUAL MEN: sign up, because even if you’re a terrible human being, it seems like the odds are in your favor. the discount code is TOLSTOY.
4. This is what is called a “love discount for heterosexual men.”
I truly do not get this phenomenon, but it’s not limited to this event by any means. Back in early Brokelyn days, we hosted a BK Meat Up with Fucked in Park Slope and Brooklyn Based, and, when piles of eager women signed up, we were forced to offer a “scholarship” for dudes. And the guys who did come pretty much had girls launching at them, so much so that even unkempt grocery store jockeys such as myself made out in the Making Out Department.
The next two Meat Ups BB and FiPS hosted, the dude quotient dropped even further. The final one was probably 70-30, with girls visibly crestfallen at the prospects when they walked through the door. You imagine the dudes of Brooklyn sitting at home wondering why they could never get a date while furiously masturbating to the avatar of Princess Peach in Mario Kart, while all these girls were milling about the Bell House with drink in hand, wondering why no one would talk to them.
Even over at The New York Post’s Meet Market, which sets you up on a FREE DATE to somewhere fun like Brooklyn Boulders or a Nets game, the editor is constantly in search of men to fill out his weekly roster, while the women offer themselves up in happy abundance. One guy recently even refused to go on the date that already was set up, saying that none of the girls met his high-dating standards, like this was some sort of terrifying King’s Landing arranged marriage with the fate of lords and land on his head. I saw the girls he could choose from, and none of them were axe-wielding trunchbulls. Just be a buddy and go on the free date, man. (PS: if you want to do the Meet Market, email Jozen firstname.lastname@example.org!)
Why is this? I’m not quite sure, but I am pretty sure this is a particular New York problem, because the quality of women here is so high, and women have risen to all sorts of heights in many fields, particularly publishing and media, which we know lots of you work in. And maybe we’ll have our first female mayor next year, who knows. Even Team Brokelyn, which is, if I do say so myself, lousy with talented, funny, knockouts, has trouble getting guys on board.
To paraphrase the wisdom of Wet Hot American Summer, this is gonna sound like I’m putting down my own gender, but the truth is, men can be kinda boring, self-involved perpetual adolescents, or creepy hangers on who try way too hard, or guys who just don’t know how to read a signal and stop texting, or, yikes, guys like me who just don’t know what they want and are suddenly faced with options for the first time (humblebrag? sorry. No I’m not).
This isn’t to say that women are desperate, or are bedding every bottom feeder they find on OKCupid. Most single girls I know are endlessly game, willing to be open and adventurous and give people a chance, and guys often just don’t show up. In short, girls are Anne Hathaway trying to play along and save the Oscars from sinking into the mire, and guys are James Franco, smug, awkward and weird, mucking up what should be a harmless, very fun time.
So dudes: go to these goddamn dating events every now and then. Go to Jo’s thing. They’re not lame, they’re not full of agoraphobic internet trolls or My Little Pony cosplayers. They’re full of girls who are way out of your league but who will give you the chance, if you ever let them.
How About We become Twitter friends? @timdonnelly.