love & romance

The F Train: How do I coordinate sex when my BF has a way different work schedule?

The F train is Brokelyn’s new advice column for all you sensual New Yorkers who, like the F train, often have schedule changes in how frequently you come, struggle to get into the station or suffer from any other number of delays and track work. Think of this like the MTA Twitter but instead of public transit info we answer sex queries – send yours to [email protected] and let us know what neighborhood you’re in so we can make a sex pun out of it.

Dear F Train,
My BF and I have very different work schedules. Because of this, I tend to like sex in the morning (But he won’t wake up from my subtle taps in the back), and he tends to likes it late at night (But his subtle taps in the back can’t keep me awake). What do we do?!?!
–Horny & sleepy in East Hardlem 

So, first off, are you two literally tapping each other on the back while the other is asleep after an exhausting day to initiate sex? Cause like, no.

Now, I’m assuming you two are grown ass adults that are communicating this problem but if not, step one: talk. Preferably when you are both fully awake. It also helps to wait until you are not mad (or blue-balled). We humans have a bad habit of taking out our frustrations on the one’s we are closest to at the worst times possible.

The sex talk is a hard conversation to spring into. It’s easy to get defensive about your individual circumstances. You’re probably thinking, “why isn’t he being sensitive to my needs,” yah know? But if you use that argument, then why aren’t you being sensitive to his needs? BAH-BAM. It’s why you gotta talk.

We automatically assume that we are doing more in the relationship, and so does our partner. If you don’t talk about this, resentment builds, and quickly. So let’s step back and look at your problem practically rather than emotionally.

Is he denying you sex because he’s trying to freeze you out? No. Are you denying him sex to win an argument? No. It’s literally a scheduling snafu. Which means you have plenty of options:

  • Schedule sex: Not ideal, but a temporary solution to a temporary problem. Scheduling sex may not sound enticing, but it’s responsible and selfless of you and your partner. Also, scheduling doesn’t mean there is no room for spontaneous sex. It means more! Grab your Google Cal and pencil in some sexy time.
  • Porn: Oh god. I rub out a good one all the time when my bf’s too tired. And watching porn together…Hot damn! Hot and to the point. Masturbation is a very valuable tool to keep a relationship strong. And a great place to get new shagging ideas, baby.
  • Go on a date to your local sex shop with the beau: Shag and Babeland are great local sex shops! You’d be so surprised how easy is to get turned on while just being immersed with the idea of sex. Maybe you two just need a new toy or fantasy to help perk up after a rather exhausting day?
  • My ultimate answer for you two: Split the time difference. You guys have a few hours when you get to be together. Why not then? Revamp your relax schedule and bang one out before settling into your sweats. Oh, and sex before a dinner date is the bees knees, none of that bloated “I feel like I’m going to die from eating too much” vibe as you grab the lube. Who cares what time you’re fucking? Pick the time when you are both awake and present. Don’t let horniness turn into resentment when you can easily get laid at say 3pm rather than 9pm.

But if none of these options seem optimal to you then you are going to have to ask yourself, Is it worth considering searching for a new position that would allow more time with your guy? This depends on what you are willing to compromise on. I’m not saying this should be your go-to solution. You live in NYC, you are obviously a career go-getter, but how long has sex timing been a problem for you two? A year? Two years? Maybe it’s time for a professional shake-up for the sake of personal gains. Which comes first: Your career or your guy? There is no wrong answer here: what you choose will help guide you to the correct compromise for you and your relationship.

The F train

This post has been updated, originally published in 2017.

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