Bed Stuy/ Bushwick

Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant whipping it out again in June

smallest penis in brooklyn pageant
As if we could ever give this up. Photo by Mary Dorn

There are certain summer traditions in Brooklyn that just won’t die. Movies in Brooklyn Bridge Park. Concerts at Prospect Park. A bunch of drunk people hooting at dudes showing off their tiny dicks in a hot, crowded bar. Well, maybe the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant isn’t a traditional summer activity yet, but the celebration of teeny weenies is coming back for a third year, at bigger digs in the Kings County Saloon. Wonder if the extra space will make the penises look even smaller.

If you’ve missed the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant the last two years, you can see all the fun you’ve been missing as men showed their stuff, or lack thereof, in everything from talent shows to evening wear competitions to swimsuit competitions. If you’re looking at those pictures and kicking yourself for missing this, put June 13 on your calendar and circle it, because that’s the day dudes will be whipping it out at Kings County Saloon and showing what they lack in size they make up for in heart.

smallest penis in brooklyn pageant
2013’s inaugural SPB contestants. Photo by Mary Dorn

The press release notes that not only is Kings County Saloon larger than the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn’s original home in Kings County, but it also has more bathrooms, which is probably a welcome relief to everyone who’s ever endured the first two pageants and the mysterious sewage smell that befouled the air in Kings County’s close quarters. Also with a larger space, there’ll be more than five competitors this year, so your odds of both entering and winning have gone up.

If you want to show Brooklyn you love your teeny tiny penis and don’t care who knows, you can send an email to spb.brooklyn [AT] and let them know you want to compete. If you just like to watch, you can buy tickets now for just $5, which is a pretty cheap price for one of Brooklyn’s weirder attractions, you can even get VIP tickets with backstage passes if you’re a real baller.

nick gilronan
You’re gonna have to be funnier than this guy if you do standup comedy as your talent. Photo by Mary Dorn

There’s no word if previous winners Nick “The Delivery Man” Gilronan or Rajeev “Rajkumar” Gupta will be in attendance, but given that Raj told us he had to leave America, it doesn’t sound like last year’s champ will be passing on the scepter like we’re all at the world’s most X-rated Master’s competition. On the other hand, 2013’s runner up “Dick van Winkle” will be competing, and the prize has been upped from $200 to $500, so expect some real stiff competition from all involved.

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