Scenes from the 2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

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Your competitors this year, from left to right: Rajkumar, Peter Parker, The Puzzle Master, Twig-N-Berries, Rufio. All photos by Mary Dorn

After the rousing success of last year’s Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant, it was almost guaranteed there would be a sequel. After all, summer blockbuster rules require it. Lo and behold, the sequel took place on Saturday at Bushwick’s Kings County Bar, and fortunately for the packed to capacity crowd, the ballsy contestants delivered another memorable evening of performances. Confidence was key as always for these men with pint-size peckers and Peter North-sized hearts, but there could only be one winner. This year, it was a contestant named Rajkumar, who wowed the crowd with his sensitivity and Bollywood dance skills. 

Like last year’s win by Nick Gilronan, aka the Delivery Man, Rajkumar (real name: Rajeer Gupta) won the crowd over with a combination of talent and earnestness. Raj had the crowd rooting for him almost immediately, using the question-and-answer portion in the beginning to tell host Chicken Bitches that his favorite thing to do in bed was kissing, causing all the girls in the audience to faint from the cuteness of it all.

smallest penis in brooklyn pageant
Host Chicken Bitches makes her entrance, before singing “Beautiful Dicks.”

When he’s not winning penis-based competition, Raj told us that he came to New York via Indiana, where he’d gone to school, after being raised in New Delhi. Gupta told us that he’d always dreamed of being a Bollywood dancer, so the competition allowed him to step out of his comfort zone and have fun with it. He credited his upbringing with his pride in his mini-member, telling us”In India, love is placed high above sex. So penis size is least important. I have learned from India it is all about love.”

Presumably, it also helped Raj that women haven’t complained about it. “I am a certified pleasure maker,” he said in a way that somehow managed to not be creepy at all.

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The crowd was eager to see this year’s pageant, of course
smallest penis in brooklyn pageant
Which led to a packed bar
smallest penis in brooklyn pageant
Penis Coladas and dick straws returned this year as well
smallest penis in brooklyn pageant
The contestants take the stage for the evening wear portion of the competition
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Chicken Bitches serenades the crowd
smallest penis in brooklyn pageant
Rufio, who told the crowd his favorite food was “pussy” tells dick jokes to the crowd that didn’t go over too well
smallest penis in brooklyn pageant
So he just decided to dance instead
smallest penis in brooklyn pageant
Rajkumar welcomes so water during the swimwear portion of the event
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This uh, this thing. The reason we’re all here, we suppose
smallest penis in brooklyn pageant
The Puzzle Master doing his talent, the “Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me” scene from Silence of the Lambs
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And letting it all hang loose
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Entertainment between rounds included tassel-based dancing
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Plus music from Afterbirth Monkey
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Bar owner and judge Amy Artura dressed to impress
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Rufio salutes the crowd by waving his dick at it
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Peter Parker, who entered last year’s competition as well, prepares to do Stan Lee proud
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Just your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, dancing to “Jump On It”
Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant
Chicken Bitches, bravely wearing a fur coat in a tiny, packed bar in Brooklyn in June
Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant
It takes a real man to celebrate smallness
smallest penis in brooklyn pageant
What everyone was there to see
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A closer look at the champ’s stuff
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Weenies in tuxedos, a Brooklyn summer tradition.
Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant
Twig-n-Berries sings “I’m a Lumberjack” with a burlesque twist
Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant
Before he shows off his wood to the crowd
Smallest Penis in Brooklyn PageantSmallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant
Raj celebrates a good score from the judges after his Bollywood dance (lower numbers were better)
Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant
Which of course means that this 5 was not what you wanted to see
Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant
Chicken Bitches announced Raj’s win
Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant
Raj adresses his devoted audience

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