25 things millennials actually want from the MTA before USB ports on buses

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The new design for the wifi, USB-enabled buses. Via Gov. Cuomo’s office.

Millennials are to blame for everything, even when we’re getting things we never asked for. We’re ruining the car industry, shrinking hotel rooms, refusing to eat cereal, taking jobs away from debt collectors and destroying our nation’s vital Hot Pockets complex. I’ll take full responsibility for refusing to go into debt or own a hunk of gas guzzling death metal, but this new MTA bus plan? Don’t pin this one on us, guys.

Proving that they understand millennials about as well as a macrobrew beer company, Gov. Cuomo and the MTA announced yesterday they were introducing new city buses that would be outfitted with wifi and USB ports.

“As more and more millennials enter the system and use it daily … these are expectations, not desires on their part,” MTA chairman Thomas Prendergast said. “Many of the young people using our system today grew up with a smartphone in one hand and a tablet in the other.” So that’s why no one is eating cereal: no spoon hand! Anyway, this one isn’t on us, no one asked for it, it’s the Fuller House of  transit ideas. Here are 25 things millennials actually want from the MTA. 

Countdown clocks

An L train fix that doesn’t involve closing the train for years

More L trains that aren’t constantly delayed when it is running

A G train that doesn’t run in multiple segments every few weeks

A tiny bagel shop in the back of a train in the mornings (that also sells gluten-free bagels)

Coffee shop on every single subway platform

Buses that arrive anywhere near their scheduled time

Buses that accept dollar bills

Buses that accept credit cards/Square/Vemo

An MTA app that shows you when the trains are actually arriving

Subway bathrooms you can use when it’s 4 a.m. and you’ve been drinking all night and the train is nowhere to be seen and you really don’t want to pee on the tracks

Bike racks on buses

Bike racks on trains

Surf racks on the A train

The X line

The opening of the Second Avenue line

Not being woken up when you’re sleeping on a train

A bar car

Or at least more regular nutcracker service

Free transfers from Atlantic Center to Fulton Street

Free transfers from the Broadway G stop to the Lorimer J/M

A goddamn train to LaGuardia

Trains that are only somewhat crowded instead of so crowded you have to wait for three trains to go by before you can get it

Dedicated bus lanes so they buses actually get anywhere

Banning all cars

Follow Tim, who is still unsure if he’s a millennial idk, @timdonnelly.

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  1. “Many of the young people using our system today grew up with a smartphone in one hand and a tablet in the other.”

    Yeah, we can totally afford both of those things, very easily. I’m just drowning in consumer electronics over here.

  2. I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of millenials suddenly cried out in terror and said, “The bus? Ew!”

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