Perhaps Millennials aren’t buying cars because they’re full of spiders

yellow sac spider
New feature of the Mazda6. Whether you like it or not. via Wikipedia

People are always worried about how Millennials aren’t interested in buying cars. It could be because they don’t have any money, and cars cost money. It could because they prefer cities, which aren’t the world’s most car-friendly environments. Or the fact that they trend more liberal and cars run on planet-wrecking fossil fuels.

But we have a different theory: Millennials aren’t buying cars because cars are full of spiders. We know it sounds crazy, but this is a generation making a sharp break from their parents, and one of those breaks includes not tolerating the idea that while driving in you cul de sac, hundreds of yellow sac spiders will come streaming out of your gas tank and end your life.

Via Consumerist, we get the terrifying story of the second spider-related Mazda6 recall in the past three years. In addition to being a low-budget (for a car, anyway) and stylish way to get around, the Mazda6 is apparently also a magnet for yellow sac spiders who like making their webs in the car’s fuel lines. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration recall dryly mentions that “spiders may weave a web” in the evaporate canister, as if having spiders ride shotgun is a totally normal thing that no one should worry about.

“Oh, it’s just a few hundred spiders in the hidden depths of your car,” bitter old youth haters say. “There go those spoiled Millennials, too good to risk spider bites in order to drive on the highways that nice man Mr. Robert Moses built for them.” ┬áThis is what Millennials are fighting against, in the face of a skeptical car-loving nation. A nation, we might add, that could very well just be a bunch of spiders in people suits, given how badly they want Millennials to buy cars.

Millennials have options though, and thankfully are taking advantage of them. A bike frame has never been recalled because it’s full of spiders. Neither has subway car. All forms of transportation come with risks of course. Sometimes a rat wants to ride the subway with you (although it is completely outnumbered). If you ride a bike, there’s a risk of getting hit by a car or being called an asshole over and over again on the internet if you object to the size of traffic fines you’re subject to. But, those risks pale in comparison to the risk of being suffocated by hundreds of spiders, who have just burst out of your open air vents, crawling down your throat as you try to drive 70mph on the highway. Pretty tough to call someone coddled when you’re cocooned and having the juices sucked out of you, isn’t it?

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