Millennials guys, amirite? We all want “jobs,” “healthcare,” “a future.” It’s like, why can’t we just accept being crushed under the uncaring boot of crony capitalism and chill out with some Hot Pockets? They’re cheap, they’re unpretentious, they’re…artisan? Thanks to market research that says millennials also want their frozen food to be made of “real food,” now cheap effing Hot Pockets are getting slapped with the “premium” label unless they have fillings like prosciutto in them.
It’s bad enough we’d like a subway that doesn’t catch fire. Time has the hilarious story about Hot Pocket execs being blown away by young consumers who know about very exclusive food items like hickory ham and angus beef and wanting them in their frozen meal replacements that always come out of the microwave at the temperature of molten lava. They don’t use the word “artisan” ever, instead going with “premium,” possibly because they don’t want to catch a lawsuit, possibly because they know the word is so over, but we all know the deal here: this is the dawning of the age of artisanal Hot Pockets. All that’s left is for some Brooklyn restaurant to make a locally sourced organic version and we can complete the entire cycle.