Millennials are to blame for everything, even when we’re getting things we never asked for. We’re ruining the car industry, shrinking hotel rooms, refusing to eat cereal, taking jobs away from debt collectors and destroying our nation’s vital Hot Pockets complex. I’ll take full responsibility for refusing to go into debt or own a hunk of gas guzzling death metal, but this new MTA bus plan? Don’t pin this one on us, guys.
Proving that they understand millennials about as well as a macrobrew beer company, Gov. Cuomo and the MTA announced yesterday they were introducing new city buses that would be outfitted with wifi and USB ports.
“As more and more millennials enter the system and use it daily … these are expectations, not desires on their part,” MTA chairman Thomas Prendergast said. “Many of the young people using our system today grew up with a smartphone in one hand and a tablet in the other.” So that’s why no one is eating cereal: no spoon hand! Anyway, this one isn’t on us, no one asked for it, it’s the Fuller House of transit ideas. Here are 25 things millennials actually want from the MTA.
Countdown clocks
An L train fix that doesn’t involve closing the train for years
More L trains that aren’t constantly delayed when it is running
A G train that doesn’t run in multiple segments every few weeks
A tiny bagel shop in the back of a train in the mornings (that also sells gluten-free bagels)
Coffee shop on every single subway platform
Buses that arrive anywhere near their scheduled time
Buses that accept dollar bills
Buses that accept credit cards/Square/Vemo
Shoutout to MTA for unreliable MetroCards & for operating like total garbage. Instead of good service, we're getting USB chargers on buses.
— Aparnaa (@aparnaa_s) February 12, 2016
An MTA app that shows you when the trains are actually arriving
Subway bathrooms you can use when it’s 4 a.m. and you’ve been drinking all night and the train is nowhere to be seen and you really don’t want to pee on the tracks
Bike racks on buses
Bike racks on trains
Surf racks on the A train
USB charging! Wi-Fi! At our inconvenience, the MTA is closing stations to convert them into a 1990s vision of the future.
— Pitchaya (@pitchaya) January 17, 2016
The X line
The opening of the Second Avenue line
Not being woken up when you’re sleeping on a train
A bar car
Or at least more regular nutcracker service
You know someone gonna purposely fuck up any USB ports they gonna put in any MTA bus/train. Just to be a dick.
— Nah, You Good. (@uglynewyork) March 8, 2016
Free transfers from Atlantic Center to Fulton Street
Free transfers from the Broadway G stop to the Lorimer J/M
A goddamn train to LaGuardia
.@MTA 's Prendergast mentions millennials demanding tech, but what they really need is harder to do than USB ports: less subway crowding.
— Nicole Gelinas (@nicolegelinas) March 8, 2016
Trains that are only somewhat crowded instead of so crowded you have to wait for three trains to go by before you can get it
Dedicated bus lanes so they buses actually get anywhere
Banning all cars
👏 Don't 👏 blame 👏 your 👏 shitty 👏 transit 👏 ideas 👏 on 👏 millenials
— Good Idea Dave (@DaveCoIon) March 8, 2016
Follow Tim, who is still unsure if he’s a millennial idk, @timdonnelly.
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“Many of the young people using our system today grew up with a smartphone in one hand and a tablet in the other.”
Yeah, we can totally afford both of those things, very easily. I’m just drowning in consumer electronics over here.
I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of millenials suddenly cried out in terror and said, “The bus? Ew!”