Brooklyn horoscopes: Check your Venmo, Leo

Everything you need to know for this week was already written in the Brooklyn stars, but if you were too lazy to figure it out on your own, I did all the dirty work for you. Laziness does not suit you, Cancer. And you’re welcome, Leo. 


This week Aries, just remember, reality is ALWAYS different than our expectations. This week will be a good lesson in learning how to go with the flow. And sometimes going with the flow sucks, but it’s a reality we must all face. Allow the universe to take the reins, and a little hibernation wouldn’t hurt also. Stay away from your shared workspace, no matter how good the communal coffee tastes, you are in no position to be around people this week. When’s the last time you meditated in the park with zero irony? Or went shopping at Warby Parker? Get out of the house, but keep your interactions with people to a minimum, you salty being.


Today, Taurus, you need to get out of your normal routine. Walk home instead of hopping on a train, because let’s get real, you’ll get there quicker if you just walk anyway. (Fuck you, Cuomo.) Then, go to the Brooklyn Central Library, or run the opposite direction on Eastern Parkway. Something (or someone) is waiting to bump into you with good news. Be alert to your new surroundings, especially around Jay St. MetroTech.




July has been a busy month for you, and this week will be the cray-est. With your day job, side gig and creative aspirations, it feels like the most inopportune moment to be filled to the brim with ideas, and yet here we are. Take these ideas and any spare moment in your hectic schedule to pitch and create. Check out New Women Space, The Brooklyn Commons or maybe it’s time to create your own DIY space, we always need more room to create.


There’s no time for romance this week Cancer, put your head down and work. That rent check needs to be written sooner than you think, and those NYC Ferry tickets to the Rockaways are adding up. The beach will be good for your stress levels, but this weekend skip Rippers. Those cheese fries taste great in the moment, but you know what tastes even better? A rent check that is not late.  If you are going to spend any money this week, not bill related, at least make it an investment yah know? Take a quick trip down to Shag to remedy any pangs of horniness and add to your vast collection of sexual toys.


Keep that roar to yourself, kiddo.
Keep that roar to yourself, kiddo.


Leo, step back, and breathe. This week is not about you. Take stock of your friends and loved ones, the ones that have stood by your side during your Leo-est, and be grateful. Say thank you. Roar it from your friend’s rooftop. Repeatedly. A sincere thanks can go a long way, especially when you are about to be at your worst. For all your good qualities, the narcissism and self-absorbed self seems to be taking a front seat this week. Sunday night, grab your phone and check your Venmo requests so you can pay back all your friends for the fun nights at Peaches Hot House and Friends and Lovers. Hate to break it to yah, but your presence isn’t payment enough when your friends are all on the creative grind, too.


This week your anxiety is going to get the best of you. Meditate, look at the turtles in Prospect Park, walk down the Williamsburg Bridge, make extra appointments with your therapist. Remember it’s all in your head and this too shall pass. The longer we are living and breathing and growing in Brooklyn, the more we must look to the stars, look within ourselves, and take control of the destiny we see as our best fit. Even with your anxiety at your highest, you’ve taken the time to check in with yourself, which means this could be the perfect time to strike up a conversation with that cute bartender at Parklife, they’re looking for some stimulating conversation, so why not with you?


That butt though.
That butt though.


Oh Libra, maybe sit this week out? It’s not that you have bad intentions, but this week is not the week for your input. If you are in a relationship, take a step back, while being supportive, there is no room to hold a grudge. Your partner needs to know you care, but let them take the reins. Keep your mouth shut on the IKEA ferry and just let them work out their issues with some retail therapy, this has nothing to do with you, but they want you there. Make sense? If single, keep the peace and let the stars choose your path during your normal routine. There’s something you keep missing on the J train.


You’ve probably felt a little out of place this week, Scorpio: New digs, new job, no routine set. Rather than stress at all the new factors life is throwing at you right now, why not lean in? You can obviously handle it. Impressing the new boss so early on in the game can really set you up for success in the coming weeks as the universe beckons the business stars upon you. So go to Soda Bar with your laptop and set up shop; there’s no need to become a workaholic. But looks like you’ll be able to mix some business and pleasure with this impromptu solo business meeting in the comfy couches in the backroom.


Oh boy. On Monday, it’s time to stop ignoring your student loans. Sure it sounds super romantic to stick the middle figure to the government right about now, but the reality is that defaulting any longer is going to keep banks and loans far out of your reach when you’re ready to truly adult. So take out a pen and paper, crunch the numbers and make a goddamn budget. And hey, while you’re at it, get on the Google machine and look for a second job. Because you know what is really sexy? Taking care of yourself and your personal finances and showing your significant other that you won’t be stuck in a permanent cycle of running away from your problems. Also, shave your handlebar mustache. The upkeep for you is too expensive at the moment.


But like THIS butt.
But like THIS butt.


Buy a bike, put a hamburger bell on it and go for a ride, babe. Take a ride to the left, take a ride to the right, go down south, make it up to Bushwick, stroll down Bed-Stuy, just ride and ride and ride. You’ve been here how long and you haven’t explored the neighborhood yet? The universe hates being all Ferris Bueller on you, but come on Cameron, you’re letting your life slip through your fingers? Why? You don’t seem too happy being in Brooklyn, and if that’s the case, then leave, we don’t want you here anyways (no, stay). But seriously, this is quite an important week for you and the number one stress reliever will be adding some balance to your life. It’s that simple. Get out of your head and go explore the city in your free time. Whatever new endeavor you are about to embark on remember: it’s not going to be easy, but god damn is it going to be worth it.


Strike while the iron is hot, Aquarius! The universe is ripe for business endeavors. Schedule a meeting with your boss and demand that raise (using the correct professional tones). Then when she says yes, go home early and make the trip down to Coney Island, get on the Cyclone and scream your fucking ass off. The world is yours (for this week)! Reap the benefits, and celebrate with the ones who stood by and gave you a shoulder to cry on with some L&B Spumoni Gardens pizza. (It truly is the best). No need for luxury; just friends, love, and confidence. All of which the universe is presenting you with this week.


The universe has been generous to you the past few months, Pisces. Now is the time to pay it forward. Head down to Red Hook and take in the simple beauty of a place that we took for granted prior to Hurricane Sandy. Spend all of your money at Sunny’s, which has fought the good fight for years. Surround yourself with businesses that survived some bleak periods that looked as if there was no end in sight. Being immersed in the energy of those who were able to fight and persevere during the lows will bring good omens to you and them in the present moment and future.

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