Hey, everyone had fun at the Mermaid Parade, right? You saw the pictures, it looked like a good time. And it was! Interesting costumes, a mix of old Brooklyn and new, and yes, family friendly. You’d think everyone could have a good time there, except that would mean forgetting that Bill O’Reilly, America’s constantly angry grandpa, exists. He dispatched one of his goons to the Mermaid Parade to report back to the heartland that the gays, they exist and they enjoy the beach.
OMG you guys, aren’t people who are comfortable with themselves sooooo weird? Sure you could see this year’s Mermaid Parade as a triumph for a city still recovering from a once-in-a-generation natural disaster. And you could point out things like the classic cars driven down Suf Avenue by guys from Bensonhurst, or the dudes who have clearly lived in Coney Island forever and enjoyed the parade. But fuck it, let’s make fun of some gays and a girl with big boobs.
If we were meaner, we’d point out that it takes a lot of balls to be a guy who like Jesse Watters, whose eyebrows resemble two caterpillars desperately trying to crawl off his face and has the attitude of a guy who comes to Williamsburg from Murray Hill “to pick up hipster chicks,” and make fun of anyone’s appearance, but we’re above cheap shots like that here. And we’re certainly above pointing out that Bill O’Reilly, a married man who propositioned a producer with the idea of washing her in a shower with a falafel, can’t seem to wrap his head around the fact that gay people exist and like to have fun.
But like we said, we’re above that. Instead, we’d just recommend that if Watters and O’Reilly can’t handle life in the city, they should stay the fuck out of Brooklyn and just hang out at the TGI Friday’s near Madison Square Garden. Seems a bit more their speed.