1. Gladys Knight and the O’Jays will take you back in time with the last free concert at Wingate Field. Just don’t get lost and stuck forever in the 70s (Monday)
2. Get prepared for the Afropunk Fest this weekend by checking out a documentary on people of color in the punk community. That or grow your afro, if you can (Monday)
3. Hey everybody, we’re all gonna get laid see Caddyshack at Red Hook Flicks! (Tuesday)
4. Feel less bad about your floundering “beer koozies for babies” business by checking out a release party at Book Court for Alissa Quart’s new book about people who say “Fuck it,” and work to redefine the world on their own terms (Tuesday)
5. The Secret Science Club welcomes you to sit down and learn about the signal callers in your brain, known as synapses. Or as you call them when they lead to bad decisions, Mark Sanchezes (Tuesday)
6. Hang out at an open bar at the Creators Connect launch party at the Paper Box with a bunch of other creative types and drunkenly make plans for great things you’ll wish you’d written down on a bar napkin (Tuesday)
7. Bad Movie Brooklyn digs deep into the void and pulls out Suburban Commando. The Hulk Hogan movie, not a film about the underwear history of one of our nameless contributors (Tuesday)
8. Look smart in front of your date by taking her to satirical reading series Animal Farm and stroking your chin thoughtfully at just the right moments. You’ll know what they are (Tuesday)
9. Take a tour that will teach you about the Continental Army’s defeat at the Battle of Brooklyn and then live your life thinking the British won the Revolutionary War (Wednesday)
10. Head to powerHouse Arena and hear some poems about life as a dog, get jealous, then realize they can’t experience the pleasures of edging or chocolate (Wednesday)
11. Our own Sue Smith takes the stage at “Saw Her Stand Up There,” an all-female standup comedy night at Spike Hill. Expect misandry. Funny misandry (Wednesday)
12. An evening in Coney Island with Chicago will perhaps give you the chance to ask them the question we all want to know: what was it like to guest star on Aqua Teen Hunger Force? (Wednesday)
13. See Vertigo at Brooklyn Bridge Park, the movie by little known director Alfred Hitchcock, that later inspired the Mell Brooks parody High Anxiety (Thursday)
14. Play trivia at the Bell House, and while you’re there, craft a tragic backstory to tell NBC so you can get on Million Second Quiz (Thursday)
15. Learn the 1000% true story of Def Jam Records when Videology screens Krush Groove (Thursday)
16. Brooklyn LaunchPad transforms into the Brooklyn DreamLab, where you can share your dreams with people. Creative and entrepreneurial ones, not those weird sex dreams I’ve, I mean you’ve, been having (Friday)
17. Play cornhole in an alley (that is not a euphemism for anything, somehow) at Grove Alley Game Night (Friday)
18. Try to sit through the book release party for The Currency of Paper, a novel about counterfeit money, without humming “Oh, money machine, counterfeit money machine,” to yourself the whole time (Friday)
19. Check out the opening of EXPLICIT, an art show that asks if porn and art can intersect, a question that apparently wasn’t answered “No,” when James Deen, Brett Easton Ellis and Lindsay Lohan got together (Friday)
20. Party Like It’s 1999 asks you to remember Natural Born Killers and then dance many terrified dances, as if you’re hallucinating after being bit by rattlesnakes (Friday)
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who cares about the other 19 free things?
Was the sex supposed to be the twentieth free thing?