Pointless amusement

If ‘Stranger Things’ season 2 took place in modern Brooklyn

Would you believe it if it happened to you?
Would you believe it if it happened to you?

MADMAX: Beset by the horror of young people ruining everything from bar soap and sex to cereal and cars, and also swayed by Donald Trump’s anti-immigrant rhetoric, Joyce and friends form the group MADMAX: Mothers Against Drunk Millennials (Also Xenophobic).

THE BOY WHO CAME BACK TO LIFE: After a science bro who previously ghosted Joyce in college sees on social media that she hangs out at Freehold, he re-emerges to sext her incessantly using only light signals.

THE PUMPKIN PATCH: The latest in the trend of single-item specialty boutiques in Brooklyn, The Pumpkin Patch is a new store opening in Bushwick that only sells pumpkin-spiced items. Steve works here part time to save money for hair gel.

THE PALACE: Palace Cafe in Greenpoint, a beloved saloon that’s been around for 83 years and recently catered to heavy metal fans, announces it’s headed to the Upside Down (aka closing for good) on Sept. 3. It seeks to find others lost in the Upside Down recently like Grand Victory, Nita Nita and Trash Bar, but not Crown Victoria, which was consumed by a horde of demogorgons from Manhattan and no one really minded.

THE STORM: Nancy tweets something innocent asking people to not cross over into other dimensions to terrify and eat people. She is beset by a storm of Twitter rape threats in her mentions, with people calling her a transplant whore and telling her if she doesn’t like it she should go see how she’d fare in another dimension.

THE POLLYWOG: Pollywog accidentally swam in the Gowanus, got trapped, and died before anyone could rescue it. It is eulogized in a fullpage StreetEasy ad in the new Gowanus Gowilla.

THE SECRET CABIN: The Secret Cabin is the name of the last below below-$1,000 one-bedroom left in Williamsburg. No matter how much blood is spilled in pursuit of it, most people (except Matthew Modine) refuse to believe it exists.

THE BRAIN: The Brain is the name of the psychokinetic classes Eleven has started teaching at Brooklyn Brainery. Somehow this only costs 30 bucks.

THE LOST BROTHER: Jonathan moves to a stop off the L, and NO ONE EVER SEES HIM AGAIN AFTER 2017.

Previously, in Stranger Things coverage. Thanks to Brokelyn’s cadre of Netflix speculators: Steven, Conal, Eric, Sam and Tim. 

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