Party hard ’til you puke and 11 other things to do this weekend

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Do you party soft, or medium?

1. Your last chance to pay what you want to go to the aquarium. But pay enough so that they can feed the fish, for God’s sake. (Friday)

2. Noah, we hardly knew ye. Actually almost none of you did, but that shouldn’t stop you from coming to say goodbye. (Friday)

3. Branded Saloon claims they helicopter in great talent for their variety show. Seems doubtful, helicopters are REALLY expensive. Go investigate for us. (Friday)

4. Greenpoint to Rockaway, on a bicycle. You’ll see parts of Brooklyn you never do, unless you already live in Midwood. (Saturday)

5. The question is not “Why is there a place that only sells tater tots in Williamsburg?” It’s “Why wasn’t there one before now?” (Saturday)

6. When it’s time to party, Bushwick parties hard. (Saturday)

7. It’s Elizabeth Berkley’s birthday, so go celebrate at Spike Hill. Maybe have sex with someone and flop around like a goddamn lunatic while you do it (NSFW, but hilarious). (Saturday)

8. The reason there are so many songs about rainbows is their ethereal beauty and they signal they end of a terrible storm. (Saturday)

9. Go see a movie about a grandma that could totally chill with Wavves and Best Coast. (Saturday)

10. The only thing better than alcohol is being full of both it and facts about it to slur out to your friends. (Sunday)

11. Teach your lousy kid to draw. Who knows, maybe they become a famous comic book artist and can pay off your mortgage. (Sunday)

12. A feast without meat? Please don’t tell Chuck Grassley. Or do, if you like getting reactions out of idiots. (Sunday)

BONUS: Don’t forget to get your quadrennial socially acceptable jingoism on at these Olympics watch parties.

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