It’s hot and it’s staying that way, which means people in New York are agitated, which means crime goes up. Here’s a tip: DON’T STEAL. Someone is likely to track you down these days, like author Jami Attenberg, who became a Brooklyn hero of Batman-level status last week when she hunted the perp who stole her bike and nailed him in a sting using internet research (the batarang of the non-playboy billionaire set). Why steal anyway when Craigslist is just bursting with free crap for the taking? Here’s our picks for some free things you could get right now without fear of retribution from broke vigilantes.
Hate ware (pictured above)
Lingering house guests are apparently a big enough concern to warrant their own dish ware, as this ad says:
“How do you let a loved one know that you are mad at them or that they have wronged you in some way? Well, when you make them breakfast, lunch or dinner you serve it to them on ‘The Ugly Plate’ … They will know that some injustice has been preformed against you and they will have to shape up or ship out. Unfortunately for me I have used ‘The Ugly Plate’ one too many times and now I am out of friends and loved ones.”
Feed the rabbit
Someone’s roommate moved out and left behind rabbit supplies, including: 3/4 bag of bedding litter, a 1/2 bag of food, rabbit toys and treats. The ad is unclear as to whether said roommate was in fact a rabbit.
Get a piece of VICE
Always wanted a job at Vice? Would you settle for just a filing cabinet? It’s probably full of mustache hair and empty Colt 45 pony bottles.
Ouija for the people
Did you miss out on your middle school/goth/punk/reading-up-on-Wicca-after-seeing-The-Craft phase? It’s never too late: This ad offers not just a used ouija board but also a folder full of fantasy art, magazine clippings, comic books and stickers of goth and fantasy imagery. You have unlocked: 90s Mall Rat badge!
For that super windswept look
A gallon jug of LA Looks hair gel. A gallon! And it’s been aging in a basement for several years too.