Pointless amusement

Finally, a Brooklyn guide to your zodiac sign

Better hope your sign isn’t bedbugs. Illustrations by Shaylyn Berlew

Astrology is a pretty divisive subject: some think it’s just a bunch of hooey, and others swear by it. But it’s not just about your daily horoscope! The zodiac is made up of twelve signs, each with their own characteristics. And those twelve signs are grouped by the four elements: fire, air, water and earth. Still with us? Good.

So the zodiac is predictive text; like auto-correct, but for the soul. Daily horoscopes may not always be spot-on, but having a general understanding of the habits or traits that govern your astrological sign can explain a lot. Like how if you’re a water sign, you’re always having all the feels. And now, two of our star-savvy writers have tailored the zodiac to our very own borough, giving you recognizable landmarks for all the things you probably do. Recognize yourself in your sign? Let us know in the comments section! 


Fire sign — independent, competitive, hard-headed, talented, chill, affectionate
You live in a studio in Fort Greene, but you work at a community center in Bensonhurst. You would never post a missed connection on Craigslist, or answer one, but you’re pretty sure they’ve been addressed to you at least a few times. You don’t want anyone to know about your short film, unless Northside is looking for submissions. You are later “thrilled to announce” that Northside has accepted your piece. You are later also “thrilled to announce” that you are going backpacking through Central Europe. Really it’s just Central Park, but you’re not gonna answer texts for like, a week. You’ll delete your friend’s OKCupid “duds” with an iron fist, but you’ll Irish goodbye a date while they’re in the bathroom so you don’t have to let them down yourself. You’re definitely down to meet up later at Alibi.

Earth sign — Loyal, indulgent, resourceful, lethargic, genial, set in ways
You go to a $$$ place on Yelp because they’re offering a craft beer flight. But also a cheeseburger. Because you deserve a treat (again) today! You’ve started a fight on the Kent Avenue bike path because someone in front of you was going too slowly. You couldn’t help but compliment their vintage Raleigh frame, though, so now you’re buds. You were the first to know about Jay and Bey leaving for LA, and you’ll never let us forget it. You’re not on Tinder. Your Clinton Hill bachelor pad is sweet, but you’ll move out in a heartbeat if it means you can live in a prewar two-bedroom with your sister. Ah, finally, a roommate who will share your love of Settlers of Catan.

Air sign — Sociable, chatty, two-faced, indecisive, frivolous, dramatic
You complain to your friends about not being able to afford Burning Man this year—over $14 cocktails at Sweet Science & Featherweight. One of these friends was just laid off. You do not buy her cocktail. A friend who lives in Brooklyn Heights told you Hilary Duff’s secret actual address! You have since told everyone you know. You rent a freelancers’ co-working space in DUMBO, where you don’t get any work done. But your desk neighbor did just ask you to be in his/her wedding! You always cry at the end of 13 Going on 30. You got cited for an open container in McCarren park last year. You have yet to pay the ticket, but you have blogged about it multiple times since the offense.

Water sign — ambitious, irrational, thoughtful, passive-aggressive, political, competitive
You agree to go to Smorgasburg, then spend the entire afternoon complaining about the crowds. You post several Instagram photos from the day to imply that attending Smorgasburg was your idea. Your friends tell you you’re a “Rachel.” You would rather host your own party than go to someone else’s. You have less than 200 Facebook friends. You’re still proud of that promotion to part-time assistant manager at your neighborhood coffee shop. The promotion was two years ago. You’ve fired seven people since, and liked it. You claim to be above riding city buses. You actually have a profound phobia of riding city buses.



Fire sign — outgoing, ambitious, scattered, inclusive, prideful, bombastic
You are employee of the month at Trader Joe’s, again! You wear the Hawaiian shirt outside of work as a status-symbol. You babysit a kid in Park Slope, but only so you can practice your stand-up routine on him/her. Strangely, parents are not only OK with this but have asked you to perform the routine at said kid’s 9th birthday. You find yourself at McKibbin loft parties more often than you are willing to admit. You wake up at the McKibbin lofts more often than you are willing to admit. You have an undying affection for Olsen Twins movies, but secretly worry everyone will hate you if they find out about this. So you only discuss Olsen Twins movies in a last-ditch attempt to save dwindling conversation.

Earth sign — sweet, unambitious, scatterbrained, easygoing, mysterious, guileless
You’re everyone’s favorite wingman. You can be seen smoking outside The Levee until one of your friends gets there. You’re nervous about this horoscope. Everyone around you at your business-sector job in Downtown Brooklyn is wondering why you look so nervous right now. You pay full admission to the Rubulad party because you weren’t sure if anyone was actually going to wear a costume. They did. Your best friend still hasn’t forgiven you for spoiling the ending of Rosemary’s Baby in the middle of a screening at BAM. You’re still his/her best friend. You are very proud of that vintage impulse-buy from Crossroads. You now wear said item every day. 

Air sign — noncommittal, balanced, chatty, virtuous, candid, gullible
You are the first Facebook invitee to any party. You keep telling yourself this is your last day in the service industry. You secretly love the service industry. You actually get enough sleep. You’re demonstrating for fair wages in Brooklyn Bridge Park—and you brought cookies! Your s/o is a mysterious person you met at the YTTP Bikram class you teach. Everyone knows how you feel about the Nets. You’ve had “spend a day in the Rockaways” on your bucket list for months, but you have since been to California and back at least twice. Your drunk-brunch game is on point.

Water sign — ambitious, private, intelligent, hot & cold, judgmental, intuitive
You do not like this comedy set at Union Hall. It shows. You’re just gonna leave, even though you sat in the front row. You’re a walking liberal arts degree. You have a special thinking spot in Prospect Park you will never tell anyone about. April Ludgate is your spirit animal. You didn’t tell anyone that you’re going on tour with a band because the band is too famous to talk about. You’d rather just surface on their music video when it drops on Fuse. You will never do an open mic, but you should. You can be seen smoking on stoops all over Brooklyn, even though you live in Astoria. You once dated an artist in Red Hook, but the commute pretty much ended it for you.



Fire sign — talkative, generous, energetic, diplomatic, tactless, adventurous
You are not chill. You wrote a Facebook post about how you are not chill, and it was liked many times. Without hesitation, you recently bought a VHS copy of An American Tail at Video Free Brooklyn and shipped it to your childhood friend in Denver because you remembered they loved that movie. You set up the people whose wedding you’re attending at Brooklyn Winery next month. You’ll make sure everyone there is well aware of this fact. You’ve pitched at least 10 of your personal stories to The Moth. You won’t hesitate to text the gory details of your “stomach thing” when you can’t make it to that Bushwick gallery opening tomorrow night.

Earth sign — Regimented, awkward, moody, detail-oriented, attentive, stubborn 
You’d rather go home, smoke weed and binge-watch Louie than be at this loft party. You’re sorry about making that off-hand reference to euthanasia on last night’s date. You text your date the next morning to let them know. (They don’t even remember you saying it.) You loved It Follows. You can handle a lot of Tinder rejection. You experience said Tinder rejection because you are adamantly against anyone who has an emoji in their bio. You use emojis in your bio. You’re reading this on your phone at the Silent Barn. Stop that, the radical naked performance artist is checking you out!

Air sign — flighty, introverted, cold, eccentric, brilliant, intense  
You don’t understand why the person holding a sign that says FREE HUGS deserves hugs. You love posting Buzzfeed quiz results to your FB timeline once every couple months, but besides that you’re pretty inactive. You put out a call for weekend recommendations in Greenpoint! But you end up getting turnt in Sunset Park, creating your own happy hour playlist on the jukebox at Irish Haven. Why isn’t anyone else singing along? Why is this cute person at the bar talking to you? The highlight of your weekend was still drinking that cup of homemade coffee alone on your fire escape.

Water sign — emotional, creative, indecisive, deep, flaky, insatiable 
You have an Etsy account. You picked a fight with a total stranger outside The Dardy, because someone inside ate your nachos while you were peeing. Your friends thought it was badass, but then you started crying mid-fight and everyone walked away. You met your last boyfriend/girlfriend at the Atlantic Terminal Target, where you were both reaching for the Market Pantry family-sized animal crackers. Said S/O turned out to be a complete dick. Ugh, at least you still have a lot of animal crackers left. You haven’t tried stand-up, but you should. You blow off birthday parties, but you expect everyone you know to come to your booth at ‘Shwick. No one’s breakups are as bad as yours.


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