Real Estate

Apartment Hunt: ‘You Can Have Expectations Again’ edition

It was a hard spring for real estate, what with the whole poor doors thing and generally shitty prospects for rental. So thank god things are relatively back to normal: this week’s apartments are actually awesome across the board. Running the gamut of various ‘hoods, bedrooms, and amenities, you’re sure to find something you like. And if you don’t, it just means your standards are too high and you should probably be the first to move out to “the frontier.”

Let’s start off with the cheapest of the bunch, a $1,800 3-bedroom apartment in Prospect-Lefferts Gardens. Guys, that’s only $600 per person, AND the apartment looks like it was maybe built for humans instead of hobbits. Actually, how is this still even on the market? We’ll admit that besides the stunning photos and the mention of hardwood flooring, there’s not much to go by in the rental’s description. So maybe it is too good to be true. Maybe someone died in there—like in BK webseries The Triplets of Kings County—and you’ll end up living with a really lame ghost who collects stamps. But if I got rental envy just by writing about this place, then you definitely need to go and see it for yourself. A few blocks from the Sterling 2/5.


Next up on “listings that only talk about the hardwood”, we have this lovely 3-bedroom in Prospect-Lefferts for $2,500 off the Sterling 2/5. The price tag is a little higher than our first, but please note the two beds in a single room as seen above. Nothing could give you a better indication of size than Two Beds, One Room: i.e. clearly this is a house for giants. And for the record, the other photos in the listing also make it look absurdly attractive. Also, a washer-dryer.


Oh, there we go. An apartment that actually talks about how great it is. This $1,995 2-bedroom listing in Kensington says it’s on the top floor (7th) of a building with an elevator. Yippee! Although that means no more rock-solid glutes for you. Also features laundry-in-building, a parking garage, and allows cats (no dogs). Ooh, and if you lived here, you’d have a fridge, stove, oven, microwave AND dishwasher! Talk about “everything but the kitchen sink.” And I bet it also has a kitchen sink. Sits a mere 2 blocks from the B/Q trains at Newkirk.


Let’s cut to Bushwick and peek at this 2-bedroom unit for $1,850, because I wish I had a living room and the above photo is of a really nice-looking one. Supposedly this 4th-floor unit is “huge”, but you’ll have t0 see for yourself. Check it out: it’s a few blocks from the Myrtle-Wyckoff M, and it’s in exactly that pocket of Bushwick where you can ‘escape gentrification’ and yet still be a deeply gentrifying human being.



It wouldn’t be Bushwick without at least one luxury renovation project, now would it? This ‘condo-quality’ 3-bedroom in the 11237 runs you a mere $2,650. This 3-bedroom also thinks you are a mythical phoenix, though, because it invites you to ‘spread your wings’ inside the bedrooms. Weirdly, it also thinks that you, Phoenix, will know how to use a dishwasher and microwave. Huh. Perhaps the roof deck is more your style. You certainly have no use for the laundry room or the building’s elevator, after all! Flap yourself 4 blocks over to the Morgan Av. L if you ever feel like taking the train.



Next-to-last on the docket today we’ve got a 3-bedroom apartment for $2,500, right in the confusion between South Slope and Greenwood Heights. Which one is it? Live there and find out. About the apartment: it’s a prewar, doorman-ed building with exposed brick, ample closet space and shared bike storage in a courtyard. In case you’re still a mythical bird, you might also enjoy the fact that the courtyard claims to ‘sound like a bird sanctuary (literally)’. But the listing then continues on into some pretty intolerable poetic shit, so let’s just skip to the part where you rent it. It’s off the 25th St R Train.



Okay, full disclosure: I had planned to keep this last place to myself until I was ready to move again. Just kidding, housing market, you do you! Anyway, this 3-bedroom apartment in Bay Ridge  is ‘intolerable poetic shit’ incarnate. Like for $2,500, you get the entire top floor of a prewar two-family house. And what’s on top floors you guys? That’s right, balconies. You can haz one here. You can also haz a terrace on the ground floor. The place is dishwasher-equipped, hard-wooded, tastefully-tiled and generally Brokelyn-approved. If you’re going to go all the way to Bay Ridge, this is the place to do it for. Off the 86th St. R Train.

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