02/29/16 2:28pm
Ryan Gosling might be on the Gen X/millennial cusp, but he can be seen here standing in solidarity with millennials who understand the alleged breakfast food is actually garbage

Ryan Gosling might be on the Gen X/millennial cusp, but he can be seen here standing in solidarity with millennials who understand the alleged breakfast food is actually garbage

Last week, the old people reading newspapers and old people reading the internet were disgusted and embarrassed at the behavior of millennials again. What did they have left to ruin after cars and broken windows policing and Jesus? According to the New York Times, millennials committed the gravest sin of all in rejecting breakfast cereal, a covenant handed down by nostalgia-ridden parents who figured if they loved nutrition-less processed garbage pushed by cartoon characters, their children would do the same even into adulthood.

Panicky sliding sales figures were thrown around, the specter of  kids and their damn gluten allergies was invoked and a dark future where kids weren’t tricked into drinking sugar milk by cartoon animals was forecast. The one thing the story about millennials leaving cereal behind in the Dumpster of history where it belongs forgot was asking actual millennials why they were making this reasonable choice. We did though, and the results were stunning in their pragmatism. Millennials, as it turns out, aren’t ditching cereal because it takes too long to clean up: they’re hip to the fact that cereal is expensive, processed, unfulfilling trash that lacks the ability to actually get you through the day. In short, they’ve realized it’s a disgusting fraud. (more…)

07/23/15 4:40pm
Websites are hip, right? via Ironstate Development/The Daily News

Websites are hip, right? via Ironstate Development/The Daily News

Staten Island is the new Brooklyn (again)! Let’s leave the tired premise of searching for the next Brooklyn aside for a moment (maybe forever) and focus instead on this: according to the Daily News the name of the big project that’s going to lure dumb millennials over the Verrazano Bridge is an apartment complex called URL. That is…quite a name. Of course, URL is now taken, and you still need to slap a millennial-friendly name on your development. Since we’re still young and have somewhat kind hearts, allow us to help you save money on consultants with these suggested names for your next millennial-bating building. (more…)

03/10/15 10:24am
Terrible millennial brought to you by Budweiser and his parent's 401(k)

Terrible millennial brought to you by Budweiser and his parent’s 401(k)

Millennials! Is there anything this ravaging generation can’t ruin? Cars, Brands, the American institution of credit card debt, Brands, it just seems like everything precious to previous generations that we touch turns to ruin. That apparently extends to our parent’s retirement funds too, at least if a story by Bloomberg about Baby Boomers spending their retirement money to fund their millennial children’s lives is true. One anecdote even shows that coming to live in Brooklyn could literally be killing your parents in the future, if you keep letting them support you. (more…)

01/12/15 1:44pm
Put down those drinks and get to work, millennials

Put down those drinks and get to work, millennials

What is to be done with millennials, that generation of lousy kids who won’t buy cars, Pepsi or T.G.I. Friday’s but still inexplicably demands to be part of the soul-crushing American capitalist machine? Some Olds think the best way to approach this mysterious tribe is to break their wills by taking to the pages of the New York Post and simultaneously blasting them as lazy entitled drunken dick pic addicts who are nonetheless great to hire as long as they come cheap. (more…)

12/10/14 10:04am
hartford

Hartford! via Flickr user Global Jet

Young people of America, lend us your ears. Or, eyes we guess, you’re reading not listening. We have heard of a land, a fertile land where you can be paid a princely sum and stretch said sum into a kingly one. A smaller city than New York, but one that will welcome you instead of shivving you and stealing your wallet. What paradise is this that we speak of? Philadelphia? Portland? Detroit? Buffalo?? No, young people, your new land of opportunity is…Hartford, Connecticut! (more…)

12/03/14 2:01pm
brooklyn diocese

NOTHING WEIRD ABOUT THIS, NO SIR

There is no industry in this world not trying bizarre ideas to win back Millennials who are leaving said industries in droves, be it soda, fast foodmacrobrew or cars. Guess we can throw “religion” on that pile too, since the Catholic Diocese of Brooklyn (fresh off calling Jesus the original hipster) has a new ad campaign putting Jesus in your selfies. That’s what Millennials like, right? Dead guys you can’t see, looking over your shoulder when you think you’re alone? (more…)

11/06/14 3:29pm
budweiser christmas beer

You could pay $40 for this or you could pay $40 for bus fare home for Christmas, your choice.

The problem with millennials isn’t so much the things we say and do, it’s more the embarrassing lengths that brands will go to just to sell us stuff. TGI Friday’s goes artisanal, Pepsi comes in the form of Caleb’s Kola, and now Budweiser is jumping on the bandwagon trying to trick millennials into buying their mass produced stuff by selling their macrobrew in expensive cases that are supposed to be vintage or something, because Christmas. We guess you can use them as moving boxes after you’re done with all the beers? (more…)

09/10/14 2:11pm
mcbrunch

It’s not regular McDonald’s, it’s McBrunch, which is why your meal cost $15. via Flickr user Alpha

Millennials man. They (we) are just the most useless goddamn generation to certain traditional voracious sectors of global capitalism. We don’t want cars, we don’t want normal Hot Pockets, we don’t want massive amounts of credit card debt and we don’t want fast food. That last one is bad news for sub-living wage hamburger factory McDonalds, but could winning us back be as simple as branding a few McMuffins as brunch items? Probably not, but they’re still trying to trademark “McBrunch.” So maybe McDonald’s can be the new place for you to fall asleep in your food as you regret last night’s horrendous sexual choices, if that’s not the place you already do that. (more…)

07/14/14 9:12am
samuel l jackson capital one

Samuel L. Jackson will come intimidate each and every millennial until they stop paying their balances on time.

Millennials, guys, they’re just the worst, right? If they’re not forcing highly processed foodstuffs like Hot Pockets to at least appear to be made of real food, they’re not buying cars (because the cars are full of spiders). Everything they do is changing one cherished American tradition or another, and now according to Bloomberg News, they’re not even racking up awesomely irresponsible amounts of credit card debt. They DO know that’s the last thing keeping the economy moving, right? (more…)

05/12/14 8:34am
Millennials can make old-timey puns, too

Millennials can make old-timey puns, too

Recent research shows that we millennials aren’t doing much of anythingor anyone, these days. But in a shocking twist of events, a twentysomething in East Williamsburg went and translated a whole book! He didn’t stop there, either. Arden Rogow-Bales took Johann Wolfgang von Goethe’s The Sorrows of Young Werther—which is a series of angsty letters by a twentysomething living in 1774, originally written in German—and turned the book’s protagonist into a modern-day pen pal.

Now, you can subscribe to a mailing list to receive those letters as though they were being written to you, Werther’s BFF, with Rogow-Bales project What Werther Went Through. Besides providing access to some seriously vintage angst, this Lousy Millennial’s little social experiment is setting out to prove that twentysomethings have always been full of feels (and were probably also afraid of spiders in 1774). (more…)