‘Stop being drunk at work,’ population in thrall to ‘Mad Men’ tells millennials

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Put down those drinks and get to work, millennials

What is to be done with millennials, that generation of lousy kids who won’t buy cars, Pepsi or T.G.I. Friday’s but still inexplicably demands to be part of the soul-crushing American capitalist machine? Some Olds think the best way to approach this mysterious tribe is to break their wills by taking to the pages of the New York Post and simultaneously blasting them as lazy entitled drunken dick pic addicts who are nonetheless great to hire as long as they come cheap.

As the first generation to ever make mistakes at work, we can see why New York City’s elders would be so happy to dish about millennials. Why, did you know that millennials aren’t worth hiring if you find a single photo of them without a shirt on, no matter the context? That’s at least according to a marketing director for a winery, who said she legitimately used “found shirtless pictures on a search” as a reason for not hiring a young person. So don’t upload pictures of that fun beach trip you took, because your young body not broken down by the ravages of time is so offensive as to render to totally unfit for work.

There is one story of a young person who uploaded his dick pics to a company Dropbox so that he could make more room for Grindr, which is legit a thing that you should not do. But if we really want to talk about professionalism and dick pics, we would like to point out non-millennials like Sean Salisbury, Brett Favre and Anthony Weiner seemed to have trouble not showing everyone their dicks, too. The employer also puts the dick pic uploader on blast for drinking at work, but that’s hardly a thing millennials invented.

It should be noted that the piece opens with an anecdote about, and continues to hammer home the idea, that millennials are a cheap and disposable source of work, not worth extending the slightest respect to. Frankly, that they try to go out and work at all for terrible old monsters who laugh at them and see them as just another widget instead of throwing their bodies on the gears of the machine should be seen as the ultimate testament to either millennials’ fortitude or stupidity.

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