It was Christmas Eve night down in old Park Slope,
The stockings were hung and they looked pretty dope.
There was a nip in the air, some frost on the ground,
The bodegas stayed open, selling whitefish by the pound.
All the strollers were parked, all the yoga mats rolled,
Elves on Shelves posed for iPhones (that shit’s Facebook gold).
Folks here do all right, if you know what I mean.
They’d left out enough kale chips to turn Santa’s poops green.
But up in her brownstone, Sally Jones sat awake,
With a sense of foreboding she just couldn’t shake.
She’d turned off CNN, closed her browsers with a click,
Then to no one in particular said, “2016 can suck a dick!” (more…)
The holiday season is evergreen (sry) for themed internet content, but once in a while there’ll be a song that bypasses the usual fast-burning viral fame and moves directly into meme status. Some years back, we Jews got Brandon Harris Walker’s Chinese Food on Christmas and Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah Song. This past Halloween, we were gifted SNL’s David S. Pumpkins, sure to play on for many Halloweens to come. And this week, a new song surfaced on the internet for the 2016 Christmas season. It’s not the rewrite of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” but it is your feminist holiday anthem of the year.
“LIT (Like a Christmas Tree)” is a rap song made in collaboration by Brooklyn-based rap collective Hand Job Academy and Miami-based duo Basside. The title is pretty self-explanatory, and the song does a great job of capturing the millennial sentiment of 2016’s holiday season. We’ll happily spend time with the family for holiday celebrations, so long as we can get lit and avoid having anything to do with organized religion.
“Cover my tats for mass in a dress from ASOS, ’cause Christmas day I get pesos.” (more…)
So, this is Christmas. via Flickr user Alex Fitzpatrick
1. Although today is the first day of winter, it’s going to be absurdly warm all week. So go outside and listen to some great tunes with Make Music New York Winter! Full schedule is here, with highlights including a bell choir in Dumbo, fiddlers on Flatbush, and kalimba at Trans-Pecos. (Monday, FREE)
2. Or for something holiday-ier, head to Scholes Street Studio for the Secret Opera’s modern take on A Christmas Carol, with period vocal music and an improvised string ensemble. (Monday, $15)
3. Get a jump on your Xmas boozing at Halyards with a drinking game screening of A Christmas Story: some rules include sipping when an adult is in costume and chugging when Ralphie fights back. (Tuesday, FREE) (more…)
You may be home alone, but you can still have a great time. via Youtube
I’ll be home for Christmas. For some of us, that means drinking eggnog, donning goofy sweaters, watching A Christmas Story for the eighteen millionth time, and listening to an eccentric uncle talk about clock mechanisms for three hours (okay, maybe that’s just my family). But what if your “home for Christmas” is your New York apartment, eating Chinese takeout in front of Netflix’s Yule log? For tons of folks who either can’t or choose not to be with family, the “most wonderful time of the year” can kind of suck. But here’s the thing: we live in New York, where tons of people are in the same boat, AND there are options. So, are your Yuletide options limited to watching Ernest Saves Christmas in your underpants? No! Check below for some sweet suggestions on how to beat the Christmas blues and put some jolly in your holiday. (more…)
Horses! Kids love horse toys, give the one of those. via Facebook
Christmas is on its way, and that means everyone trying to be nice and listening to Bob Dylan’s phlegmy version of “O Come All Ye Faithful” and thinking about the brotherhood of humakind and of course, presents. Some kids aren’t as fortunate as others though, and rather than just treating them as the collateral damage of capitalism left to fend for themselves, you can help make sure they have a decent Christmas by donating some toys to a toy drive. And because sometimes you want an immediate reward for your philanthropy, the Big Brooklyn Holiday Toy Drive will gladly give you things, useful things, in exchange for giving them a toy this holiday season. (more…)
Sound the horns and ax out your date: the No Office Holiday Party is coming soon! Photo by BibiBooth.
Some holiday traditions are better than others. For every marathon of Bob’s Burgers Christmas episodes there’s a marathon of blowhards taking issue with what whether there is enough Jesus spice latte in their chain coffee. For every drunken ugly sweater party, there’s a stuffy office party where you can’t quite get totally turnt lest your name get turnt over to HR on Monday. This is why the No Office Holiday Party is our new favorite holiday tradition, with all the celebration of an end-of-year fete, even if you don’t have an office you go to or don’t even get out of your pajamas for your freelance job.
Brokelyn and our friends at the skint are proud to bring you the fifth No Office Holiday Party on Dec. 17 at Littlefield! It’s a five-year anniversary end-of-year-bonus edition, so we’ll have live band karaoke, our killer photo booth, holiday bling, all with special host Jacqueline Novak.(The Late Show with James Cordon, Cakeshop Comedy). And tickets are still just $5 (buy them here now)! (more…)
Mick Foley and Santa Claus will help make your Christmas a little less lonely, as long as you have Netflix
They say it’s the most wonderful time of the year, which is undoubtedly true if you have a goofy sweater wearing, hot cocoa drinking, Christmas carol singing, adorable family to go home to. But if like me you are among those who can’t – or choose not to – leave the best borough in the world over the holidays, whether you’re fond of Christmas or not, the expectation that it will be a somehow significant and special time can be quite annoying.
As an affirmed boycotter and Christmas orphan (perhaps more commonly referred to as “The Product Of Divorce”), over the years I’ve developed several tactics to keep myself distracted and entertained. (more…)
These people are happy, maybe you deserve to be happy too. via Instagram
The holidays are here and it’s high time you got out of town and see your family, your terrible terrible family. Or maybe they’re nice. Failing that, it’s time to get together with some friends for a Christmas orphans party. What’s that, ALL of your friends are leaving town? Yeesh, bad luck. Good thing for you that Humans of New York will hook you up with a family celebrating Christmas who has a little extra room. And all for free. (more…)
Your office was never this sexy. 2013 photo by Yucca Miyata
Office culture is the actual worst sometimes. Those awful K cups of coffee that taste like they were boiled from rat bunghole; those magic midtown lunch spots that can turn 12 whole dollars into a single unfulfilling salad, not to mention CAROL IN ACCOUNTING who you’re pretty sure is the world’s leading expert on Real Housewifery. So instead of pining for an overrated office gig this holiday season, come party with the freelancers, under-employed and non-office-drones of Brooklyn. Brokelyn and our buddies at the skint are back hosting the fourth annualNo Office Holiday Party at Littlefield on Dec. 11!
We’ve got live-band karaoke so you can sing like a rock star, mistletoe, comedy, a photobooth, sexy santas, food, presents, dancing and more! All for just $5, the same as a roundtrip subway ride to whatever awful midtown venue those real office parties happen in. Details below, buy your tickets now here! (more…)