One of the more irritating charges levied by the likes of hipster haters and their ilk is that people move to Brooklyn from squeakier towns because they want to “save” it from its lack of culture or farm-fresh produce. This is a ridiculous statement from ridiculous people, but, it seems to have come to life in the form of the The Pop-Up Cafe planned for this Saturday. At first glance, the blog post for the event seems like a good effort: it’s a pop-up espresso shop to raise money to plant flowerbeds around trees on Patchen Avenue. But whether this blog post is earnest or satirical is unclear, because it asks the question “will espresso save Bed-Stuy?”Is this pop-up actually happening? Do people really think espresso is the key to “saving” Bed-Stuy?
The thesis of the post about the pop-up is trying to answer the question “Will Espresso Save Brooklyn?” and begins with the toe-curlingly bad, not to menton unsupported, assertion that “Gentrified areas have better coffee shops. Its [sic] a fact. Its [sic] the most basic metric of gentrification.”
Other highlights of the post:
-Calling bodegas “slummy” delis full of flies and stray cats, which is hardly the worst swing and miss in this failed treatise.
-The question: “Why is the area still not one which people flock to when looking for apartments? Why the fuck can I not get a decent coffee?” Which either speaks to their newness to the neighborhood or their profound dislike of Bedford Hill, Outpost, Tiny Cup and Fresh Press, not to mention the other dozens of other results that come up on a GoogleMap search for “Bed Stuy coffee shop.”
-The statement, “What Bed-Stuy needs is more community members, not merely people who reside there.”
-“A community focused enough on small details, especially coffee, will bring with it larger issues, eventually lowering crime rates, lowering drop-out rates, and reducing the number of sexually transmitted diseases.”
-The call to take action … by “bitching about the espresso,” and telling displaced residents “if you take care of your place, your stoop, your street, you will live in a better place and rather than being against it, you can become part of it.”
-Also, they somehow turn espresso into an adverb with the phrase “espresso gentrifying Brooklyn,” which, whatever.
We’re still trying to figure out if this is real. We tried to find any contact information or other internet presence, to no avail. Maybe it’s a Wiley Coyote-esque trap set by DieHipster to finally bring one of his masturbatory “hipster beatings” to life on Saturday. With that said, we invite the proprietor of the Pop-Up Cafe to reach out to us in the comments or with an email, if only to find out what the hell they are thinking.
Follow Dave for more attacks against straw men: @herbertharper.