For a season that’s been a rolling morality/P.R. disaster for the N.F.L., this year’s Super Bowl is about as compelling a matchup the league could possibly have had. It’s almost like they fixed it. On the one side, you have the defending champion Seahawks and their 9/11 truther coach, trash-talking All-World cornerback and no-talking All-World running back looking to repeat as Super Bowl champs. On the other side looking to stop them you have the Patriots, the last team to snag back-to-back Super Bowl wins in 2003 and 2004, helmed as always by maddening pretty boy quarterback Tom Brady and their coach Bill “Not a scientist” Belichick who maybe did or did not engineer the weirdest attempt at cheating in sports in the last 20 years.
Who’ll come out on top? Ah who cares. Ultimately most of you probably aren’t Seahawks or Patriots fans, so all you want to do is yell at a TV and eat wings and other unhealthy crap. Fortunately there are plenty of Brooklyn bars that will allow you to do just that.
The Bell House
149 7th Street, Gowanus
Want to watch the Super Bowl with a whole lot of people, so you can pretend you’re right there in the stadium without actually being in Glendale? The Bell House’s free party should do the trick, and what’s even better is that the food and drink will definitely be cheaper than you’d find at the University of Phoenix Stadium. With $4 Sixpoint drafts all night to go with food offerings of chicken wings, pulled pork and brownies, the real winner will be you. Provided you don’t gamble yourself into massive debt.
9221 5th Avenue, Bay Ridge
Here’s a bar that knows how to do it right. Lock Yard is opening their doors to the MVPs of eating and drinking with a $49 all-you-can-eat-and-drink wings and cans deal.”I don’t know, I can eat a lot of wings and drink a lot beer,” you’re saying as you stroke your chin. Well stop doing that and instead get your stomach in shape, ya dolt. This is the title game and if you come out flat and only eat and drink $26 worth of wings and beer you’ll never forgive yourself.
No. 7 North
931 Manhattan Avenue, Greenpoint
Brooklyn Brewery and No. 7 North are teaming up to make sure that even if this game is a one-sided sloppy disappointment you’ll still go home happy. How? Mostly with buckets of five Brooklyn Brewery beers for just $15. You could afford one, even two of those on your own. There’s also food on offer like General Tso’s chicken strips and Altered Beast Fries to make sure you’ve got something in your stomach in case like Gronk, tu eres fiesta and you decide to go for bucket after bucket.
South 4th Bar
90 South 4th Street, Williamsburg
There’s nothing like watching the Super Bowl with your neighbors, but why invite them all into your tiny apartment when you could all just converge on the South 4th Bar? They’re going into beast mode for their party, serving up plenty of food, with pizzas and gigantic sandwiches from nearby Brickhouse Pizza, jambalaya from Brokelyn alum/manager Eric Kingrea, and chili from the winner of last weekend’s chili competition. Man that’s a lot of food. Plus, if you want to compete too, there’s also the bar’s annual mustache competition, a raffle for a band new flatscreen TV and a box game where you can compete for “points.”
333 Douglass Street, Gowanus
The Super Bowl probably won’t be hyperlocal in our lifetimes ever again (thank God), but that doesn’t mean the beer you drink can’t be. And if you’re drinking it at Threes Brewing’s Super Bowl party, it’ll be as hyperlocal as you can get, since it’s brewed on-site. In addition to the booze that comes in the form of specials on pitchers and buckets of shorties, Threes will have a food menu from Mile End, and while we don’t know what Quebecois know about football, it seems like they at least know about stuffing your face if offering like hot dogs, nachos and poutine potato skins are any indication.
64 Frost Street, Williamsburg
The Super Bowl is America, and so is Coors Light (instead of the vastly superior Coors original but whatever), so Battery Harris is combining them by offering $11 pitchers of Coors Light all game. Or get yourself a $15 Budweiser bucket and set yourself up in opposition to some other group of people getting Coors.
627 5th Avenue, South Slope
Another neighborhood bar to watch Tom Brady get sacked a million times, if South Slope is closer to your neighborhood. Freddy’s will have the game on in their comfy backroom, will offer up a menu of finger food and $5 special of any tap beer and a Nathan’s hot dog. You can’t even get something like that at a high school football game, much less a professional one.
757 Flatbush Avenue, Prospect-Lefferts Gardens
If the Super Bowl is about one thing and one thing only, it’s about gluttony, followed by drunkenness. Gluttony, drunkenness and then football. So answer the first call with MangoSeed’s party where they offer up free food all night and free shots for every touchdown scored. Admittedly it’s a bit of a gamble, because for $40 you’re definitely banking on high-scoring antics to get enough free shots, but maybe field goals will be made illegal right before kickoff.
708 5th Avenue, South Slope
What’s great about Mary’s is that sure they do good things like collect blankets for the homeless during Christmas, but they also know how to be Super Bowl gluttons. Case in point: they’ll be offering up free sandwiches, chips and pasta salads while you watch the game. In addition to that, you can get beer and shot specials of PBR and Old Crow for $5 and Dale’s Pale and Town Branch for $8, in addition to the bar’s usual happy hour of $2 off drafts, well and call booze until 8pm. Plus the pool table will be free, in case the game sucks.
Pine Box Rock Shop
12 Grattan Street, Bushwick
Seahawks fan? Or do you at least really hate the Patriots enough to get on board with anyone playing them? In that case, head to this self-described Seahawks bar for a gluttonous night that will only get more insane if the team manages to repeat. Champs Family Bakery will be there serving up Super Bowl chili, nachos and chili mac and bartenders will be there serving up 2-for-1 Sixpoint Beast Mode and $4 tallboys of Narragansett. Watch the game on seven screens around the bar or watch Sixpoint reps who’ll be there giving out Sixpoint and Seahwaks swag.
660 Washington Avenue, Prospect Heights
In addition to projecting the game on big-ass projection screen, The Saint Catherine is making sure to draw in true disciples of the game by showing the Puppy Bowl starting at 3pm before moving to the big game at 6:30pm. With drink specials from 4pm to 8pm, that means you could be in for a solid eight hours of drinking, but like Richard Sherman you’re the best at what you do, so we think you can handle that.
750 Grand Street, Williamsburg
Hey look at that, a sports bar in Williamsburg. 4th Down is serious about this stuff, why else would they offer 14 TVs in addition to both 120-inch and 100-inch projection screens. Take it all in while downing “6 beers for the price of 5” bucket specials, which we imagine won’t come with a Belichickian half-full beer to cheat you.
321 5th Avenue, South Slope
Since they appreciate you so much, The Gate is extending their $5 drafts in January offer to the first day in February. In addition to good beers for the price of bad beers, the bar is also pulling out their “Not Famous At All” Cheese Dip Platter. Which paradoxically gets famous with media mentions like this, but don’t ponder paradoxes like that when you could instead be pulling your hair out wondering why Pete Carroll doesn’t run the ball more.
7915 3rd Avenue, Bay Ridge
Windy City’s heart might lie in Chicago, but they’re not moping just because the Bears didn’t even make the playoffs. Instead, this solid sports bar will have their awesome happy hour with fifty cent wings, $10 pitchers, $15 buckets, $10 half racks of ribs in effect.
136 Metropolitan Avenue, Williamsburg
The Super Bowl is just one big entertainment product, so why not watch it like you’re watching a movie? You can’t do that unless…oh hey, a movie theatre is showing it. For a $25 pre-paid food and drink voucher, Nitehawk Cinema will let you sit in comfortable movie seats and take in the majesty of America’s CTE factory running in high gear. Bring more money though, because there’ll also be specials from New England and Seattle-area breweries.