In front of Brooklyn Roasters in Dumbo. Photo by Susan De Vries

Is it ethical to leave your dog tied up outside a store? Is it more ethical if you leave your dog not tied up but “parked” in one of those white and pink “Dog Parkers” that popped up seemingly overnight all across gentrified Brooklyn? If you were a dog, would you rather experience the sights and smells that come with sitting your fluffy booty down on the cold pavement, or would you rather experience street life from the inside of a small box that protects you from forces that, to your tiny doggy brain, are likely too existential to fathom?

These are questions that are difficult to answer, mainly because dogs have not yet secured a way to communicate their emotions or questionably existent free thought to humans. Still, though, the startup behind the “Dog Parkers” is holding a doge trial to attempt and provide “honest feedback” about the tiny pupper street prisons.

They’re seeking Brooklyn dog owners with crate-trained pups (isn’t the world just one big crate, really, that we all have to learn to live in?) to park their puppies in the Parkers on a part-time, recurring basis. Knowing the climate of competition in NYC, soon getting your dog into the Dog Parker feedback trial will probably be tougher than getting your toddler into their kindergarten of choice.

Interested applicants should email bark@dogparker.com with the subject line “Doggy Dollars,” which of course begs the question of if it is ethical to pay the owner or the dog for the trial? What would PETA say? This is the closest most dogs will ever come to freelancing, are you morally obligated to spend the money on buying them things they like? But then, does your dog actually like its tiny rain booties or do YOU just think they’re cute and make for good Insta pics?

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We’ve seen a dog in one of these IRL all of once, ever.

May these questions loom large in your mind, dog owners, and may we hope for a tomorrow where these are genuinely the most pressing concerns in America.

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