“It looks like it’s coming our way,” WNYC’s Andrea Bernstein said on the Brian Lehrer show this morning. What she’s talking about, unfortunately, is not the sweet release of eternal oblivion or the gaping maw of Cloverfield-like creature here to swallow the next eight months. No, she’s talking about the giant rat king that is this presidential primary race, which has somehow churned and chewed its way through the sewers of America’s lesser states and may actually arrive in New York with some fight left in it. That means New York might actually get a say in the political process for once! Who, us? Aw you shouldn’t have. You only use the imagery of our terror attacks and our banking systems in all your campaigns but ignore all the issues that are important to us. Anyway, the primary is on April 19 and you still have time to register. As Bernstein said, “They’re coming to New York, and they’re going to make a fight of it.”
Here’s how to register
Application must be postmarked no later than March 25 (that’s next Friday!) and received by a board of elections no later than March 30 to be eligible to vote in the primary. New York is a closed primary state, which means you have to choose a political party when you register if you want to vote in that primary. You don’t have to pick a party, but if you want to chose between Hillary/Bernie or Trump/A horde of Dementors riding hoverboards down the BQE, you have to pick a party.
REGISTER IN PERSON
You can register to vote in person at the county Board of Elections at 345 Adams St. fourth floor in Downtown Brooklyn, or at any of these agencies.
REGISTER BY MAIL
Download and print out this form and mail it in (the address is on the form).
LOL nope. Why would you be able to use the internet for this in 2016. [UPDATE: You can actually register to vote online, IF you have a New York state driver’s license, here.]
HOW DO I KNOW IF I’M ALREADY REGISTERED?
Hey, we get it, your life is busy and who can’t be bothered to keep track of the FUNDAMENTAL PROCESSES BY WHICH OUR NATION FUNCTIONS. To find out if you’re registered, go here and enter your info.
WILL THIS MAKE NEW YORK ANNOYING?
Probably. The races are kinda almost over, but there will still be campaign events and rallies. Whether Trump would actually try to hold an event in New York City or Cruz would dare set foot here after bemoaning “New York values,” we’ll see. Either way, surely some fun protests are ahead!
But surely some horrible Brooklyn election tropes will come along, so here are some fake trends we made up that cable news channels can feel free to use:
-Williamsburg condo Trump supporters
-Occasional CitiBike users for Bernie
-People Who Woulda Voted But Died Waiting for the L Train
-Slackbots for Kasich
-Desnudas “barely” support Hillary
-Clinton Hill(ary) residents who just go with it because that name is right there
-Bed-Stuy Brownstone Gentrifiers Who Can’t be Bothered to Care
-Bay Ridge voters who don’t need your primaries ruining their neighborhood
-DIY venue voters who protest that the primary isn’t an all-ages show
-Millennials Who Think A Hillary Election is Some Kinda 90s Netflix Reboot
Here’s the updated Rat King, if you want to keep track of which rats are left:
Follow Tim, who thinks we should pay attention to all elections as much as we do the presidential one: @timdonnelly.