Sneak peek: Headlines from the new newspaper published by a Gowanus luxury developer

The Brooklyn Paper today reports on a bit of property-ganda :

“The developer of a massive new luxury apartment building on the Gowanus Canal is publishing its own neighborhood newspaper that it says is designed to steer the conversation away from the notoriously toxic waterway and towards the area’s arts and nightlife scene.

But some locals believe it is really just propaganda to attract new tenants, and is cashing in on the creative folk whose homes and studios are rapidly being replaced with luxury housing.”

The building at 365 Bond St., where studio apartments start at $2,492, has been selling its 430-unit building on its proximity to the canal, saying it’s “located on the newly created waterfront esplanade park along the Gowanus Canal; they included a photo with people dangling their feet over the notoriously toxic canal. Brokelyn got a sneak peak at an editorial meeting of the paper, named The Gowilla, where we got a preview at the kind of muckraking it will take on. Here are some forthcoming headlines from the paper:

From Toxic Canal, An Avenger Emerges

Study: 3-Eyed Fish Contain More Nutrients, Eyes Than Regular Fish

Editorial: Actually, the Rent is Too Damn Low

6 Toxic Date Spots For Your Toxic Relationship

The Best Routes For Ubering To Whole Foods

6 Superfun(d) Ways To Decorate Your Canal-Side Condo

Parkwexit: The Parkwanus Secession Movement, Explained

______

Report: Dolphin Meat Plentiful

Gowanus Rent Regulation Proposal Shot Down, Not Unlike Gentle Harambe

How Living In Gowanus Is Just Like Game Of Thrones

NYPD Loses Three Culling Rabbit Population

Rising Sea Levels Lead to Cheaper Garden Apartments

Adorable! Watch This Proud Rat Mother Look On as Her Brood Crosses the Canal!

The Healing Waters Of The Gowanus?? Incredible Medical Breakthrough THEY Don’t Want You To Know About

Why I Let My Son Swim In The Gowanus

EPA Claim of Anus in Gowanus Unfounded

Ask Not When The Bell House Closes (It Closes Tomorrow To Make Way For An SoulCycle)

Five Canal Swimming Workouts that Will Leave You With a Beach Bod and Also No Skin

Gowanus Street Wins “Greenest Block” With Algae Bloom

Lightstone Group Is Woke And Bae

Thanks to Dave Colon, Conal Darcy, Eric Silver and Tim Donnelly for contributing jokes on this ultimate summer Friday.

Leave a Reply

Click here to cancel reply.

Name (required)

Email (will not be published) (required)

Website

Notify me of followup comments via e-mail