Six co-workers from your 9-5 job you won’t miss when you quit the office life

What is it about the office that brings out the weird people and uncomfortable interactions? Perhaps it’s the mundaneness of the job or the sterile environment. Our parents’ generation put up with them for a guaranteed career and pension; but that’s all out the window now. We’re a generation of freelancers and entrepreneurs. It’s a lot of work, but a hell of a lot more fun. And you don’t have to put up with the strange and annoying denizens that roam the corporate halls. It’s especially true if you snag a sweet spot at Coworkrs.

Coworkrs delivers a hospitality-centric approach, with curated spaces and premium services, which means no cubicle farms or brown sludge coffee. It’s a chic place where everything is taken care of, allowing you to work, meet clients, and build your business in a professional-friendly environment. The company has five different locations in Manhattan and Brooklyn and offer co-working spaces, dedicated desks, and even private offices. It’s perfect for everyone, from the one-woman show that’s ready to move beyond the coffee shop to the startup that’s outgrown the living room. Plus, you’ll be in the company of people passionate about their work — unlike the following folk you’d have to put up with in the traditional 9-5.

 

The Girl Who Talks Nonstop about Dancing with the Stars

She is already deep into her thoughts about last night’s elimination by the time you arrive at the office. She talks about voting irregularities and rigged systems more than a Facebook Bernie Bro. She can’t even with those judges. Did you see that dress? Are they getting married? There is no end to the commentary she can spin from the latest episode — not even the fall of Communism was analyzed this much. What amazes you is the amount of editorial content she’s still creating during the show’s off season. Who’s even heard of a Disco Ball Fantasy Draft?

________

The Guy Who Doesn’t Wash His Hands

You’ve been on the same bathroom schedule for eight months, and every time he’s done he makes a beeline for the door, oblivious your shameful stares. “Disgusting,” you think, as you scrub off another layer of epidermis and strain your neck from shaking your head so much. But surely he wouldn’t be so crass as to skip the sink after a stop in the stall, right? Wrong. That one time you run into him after a number two, he’s skips off to his cubicle, as carefree as a butterfly in springtime. From then on you order Purell in bulk.

The Person Who Has Greeted You Exactly the Same for Six Years

Every morning you say to yourself you’re going to mix it up. When you see Frank you’ll be honest about how terrible you feel, or actually ask him about his family. But again you find yourself sliding towards a stream of absurd Beckettian dialog that plays out before an audience of fridge and sink.

How’s it going? Not bad. Good weekend? Yep. Yours? Relaxing. Have a good day. You, too.

Tomorrow, you assure yourself, you’ll say something honest and true. Tomorrow.

________

The Woman You Know Everything About Except Her Name

She was in sales support when she first arrived at the company 15 years ago. That was after a stint at Macy’s. Sales support was easy in comparison. Too easy, so she moved to marketing where she saw the arrival and departure of three department heads and two CRMs. Her kids are grown now: Julian is just about finished his degree in Dutch Studies; Melissa still hasn’t moved out of the house. She’s allergic to eggs, which is why she doesn’t get the yearly office flu shot. You’re certain you’ve sent her e-mails asking for data or a customer ID number, but you could never connect the name to the face. You met her on your first day and you were nervous and mispronounced your own name and had to repeat it and by then her name had escaped you and now five years on you don’t have the guts to admit it. It might start with a K. Krista? Kirsten? Kylee?

The Guy Who Can’t Remember Your Name

OK, so you forgot Kara’s (?) name. Everyone makes mistakes. You’re human. It happens. But Goddamn if Jacob from accounting can’t remember yours. You’ve told him your name so many times it’s lost all meaning thanks to semantic satiation. He’ll get emails reminding you to fill out your timesheet, and he’s misspelled both first and last. It’s in the e-mail address, Jacob! It’s on the timesheet! You make a point of saying his name every time you see him, hoping he’ll pick up the habit. How is your day, Jacob? Are you well, Jacob? No, my name isn’t Paul, Jacob. You conclude there are numbers people, and there are words people, and never the twain shall meet, Jacob.

The Guy Whose Role is Unclear and Has Tons of Time to Talk About Things

He’s often floating around the cubicles organizing March Madness pools or fantasy leagues. He has time to talk and, boy, does he make use of it. No matter what you’re into he can relate — you’ve never stumped him. He can spend 30 minutes expounding on how awesome mycology is or explaining why the GDP of Angola is in sharp decline. He’s a smart guy, for sure. So smart, in fact, that he’s convinced the company to pay him for chit chat. That’s the only explanation for why he never gets in trouble, even after talking loudly about anything but work when the CEO passes by. Maybe he’s a jester or morale booster? You wonder how you can get that job and quickly realize you want out of here instead.

Still putting up with these people? Work with people who don’t suck in sweet digs. Check out a picture of Coworkrs‘ swanky Gowanus location below, and book your spot today.

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