Well Bernie Bros and Girls, I’m as sorry as anyone to say that the guy is just about finished. I know, I know, maybe he’ll pull some superdelegate rabbits out of a hat, maybe he’ll win some more states. And if nothing else, at least we can say he really rocked the Brooklyn vote. But generally, we all share a sense of where this thing is going. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you were championing a Sanders presidency! Remember when everyone thought he was just a crazy socialist with no chance? And then he won a massive amount of votes? You did that, probably.
But now, you’re in a tough spot. You’ve been railing against Hillary Clinton for months in order to kindle the Bern-ing fire. Now that Donald Trump might actually become our next president — it’s not a joke anymore, this guy really is the presumptive candidate — you’re going to have to come to terms with Hillary. Sure, you didn’t want to vote for Hillary, but just think of it as voting against Trump.
To help you cope, however, we’ve put together a guide for moving on and learning to accept Hillary for the smart and highly-equipped presidential candidate she is. Our handy how-to includes tips on breaking the news to your Facebook feed, repurposing your campaign merchandise, and we even made some brand new banners you can post on social media.
Supporting Hillary certainly hasn’t been the cool way to go up until now, but let’s give the former first lady a chance. Clinton may be the most #establishment (not @estblshmnt) of the democrats out there, but she’s also way independent. She’s the first First Lady ever to hold public office and the first to move out of the White House while her husband was still in office. She’s a Grammy award-winner who carries hot sauce in her bag and was famously cheated on by her celebrity husband, not unlike another hot-sauce toting celeb we know. Think sartorial fashion is a fairly recent trend in feminism? Nah. Clinton has been killin’ it in power suits since the 1970s.
Chillary was also featured on an episode of Broad City, and made an appearance in Bushwick before people started saying it was “over.” She is currently portrayed on SNL by none other than Kate McKinnon AKA FUTURE GHOSTBUSTER, but still gives Amy Poehler enough of a reason to make a quick comeback cameo.
Also, I don’t want to alarm you, but I just reviewed our country’s presidential history and we’ve never elected a single female president. Seems like an oversight, I know. And frankly, it’s kind of embarrassing. A Clinton presidency means all kinds of firsts: the first Secretary of State to become president in almost two centuries, the first First Man (First dude? First Bill? First Laddy?), the first two presidents to be married to each other — wrap your head around that one for a second! And best of all, the first female president, which says “Hey young women of America, you should try this!”
Breaking the news on social media
So let’s say you’re on board; you don’t want a Trump presidency and you do want the first female president. How do you tell the world? If you’re like me, your Facebook feed is not especially Clinton-friendly these days. All the progressive kids in Brooklyn are still rallying behind Bernie or even saying they’d rather sit this one out than vote for Hillary. Coming out as a Hillary fan is a hard sell. One option is to play it cool: post mostly anti-Trump stuff and let your audience deduce the rest. Have some preambles ready to copy and paste: “I know” or “I miss Bernie too, but here we are” are good bets. Maybe throw a subtle “sad” Facebook reaction at your friend’s anti-Hillary video. Or, just lean into it and act like she was your best-loved runner up all along! Instagram yourself decked out in “Chillary Clinton” koozies and shirts; use the above slogan as your cover photo; bring that Hillary cellphone-on-the-plane meme back into circulation; make this every single one of your public profile pictures.
Repurposing your Bernie campaign
So you’re ready to deck out your front lawn (or stoop) with some Hillary paraphernalia. Great! But you’re just not that into the bland “Hillary for America” stuff. Bernie got the catchphrase that’s already been co-opted by STD testing centers, a fun outline of his hair and glasses, and THAT BIRD. Meanwhile Hillary’s just got that FedEx-y “H” with the arrow and slogans. That doesn’t lend itself to STD testing at all! Don’t worry, Brokelyn’s here to help. As you can see from the photo at the top of this article, we’ve got the #brokesters4Bernie contingent covered. No need to throw away Sanders signage and spend more money— all you need are a pair of scissors, some glue and a sharpie and you can easily rebrand. Got one of those signs with Bernie’s outline and name? Just cut out a chunk of the blue from an old Bernie sign and put it over most of the “B” and the last three letters, voila, it almost says “Her,” or “Hill” if you squint. Now, just draw Hillary’s wind-blown haircut over Bernie’s Doc Brown ‘do, turn those glasses into eyeballs and you’ve got yourself a brand new Clinton poster or blackmail note you didn’t even know you needed!
Again, she isn’t Donald Trump
So you’ve got your attitude, you’ve got your Chillary merch and custom signs, but you still feel like a bit of a sellout? Okay. Let’s just take one more moment to appreciate who Hillary Clinton isn’t: Donald Trump. Sure, nobody likes feeling forced into a “lesser of two evils” thing, but come on. Hillary’s got issues, but she’s nowhere near as horrifying or move-to-Canada-inducing as her Republican opponent. Trump, who demanded Barack Obama’s birth certificate, Trump who’s already started implying that Hillary’s marital life somehow makes her an unfit president, Trump who became the presumptive candidate and immediately thought this was a good idea. Yeah, Bernie might have been great. And if there’s a real upset during the primaries, of course we still stand a fighting chance of seeing it. But a vote for Hillary is still a better vote than a vote for Trump. Like, can you name any female fascist leaders in history? Yeah, didn’t think so.
Show Sam all your mutant Hillary posters at: @SamHWeiss