Greenpoint children’s MMA classes makes children even more terrifying

We don’t know what’s in the water around here that’s always causing parents to turn their kids into baby DJs or CrossFit douchebags or tiny firefighters, but we’ve finally found a child program we won’t make fun of. Mostly because we’re afraid the kids taking children’s MMA lessons at Williamsburg Mixed Martial Arts School will kick the ever living shit out of us. You should be afraid too though, because the only thing worse than a child is a child who knows how to fight.

The Brooklyn Paper has the oddly not hysterical story of an irresponsible gym owner teaching children how to most effectively drive their tiny fists into your grown face. At the moment, school director Roger Mamedov doesn’t seem to see anything wrong with teaching kids to punch and kick with ferocity, and even claims that the end of every class involves a sit-down lesson about respect and friendship.

And sure, we believe that, but it will only work up to a point. Kids are stupid, violent and not to be trusted with anything that could cause physical harm to a person. Just like we wouldn’t want to enroll our kid in a knife-throwing academy, we definitely wouldn’t want to expose them to a world with people like Chael Sonnen. Especially because it could mean removing them from the class will result in a series of perfectly-placed punches and kicks until you relent. You laugh now, but when New York is ruled by a tiny child army with members that can do expert armbar takedowns on people three times their size, you’ll think back on this post and about how I was right that we should fear a school like this.

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