When we think about people we would hand records to, babies are pretty low on the list. Records are fragile, require a learning curve to understand and don’t take well to being placed in someone’s mouth. Which is the first thing a baby does with anything. One enterprising Crown Heights
scam artist entrepreneur thinks otherwise, and for the low low cost of $200, she’ll enroll your baby in her Baby DJ School, where she’ll teach your baby to handle vinyl and set him on a road that hopefully doesn’t end with taking way too much Molly at Electric Zoo.
The class is taught in Crown Heights, by Natalie Elizabeth Weiss, who’s a DJ herself. Over weeks, she purports to be able to teach your babies all about house, trance and electro, mixing and matching beats and how to properly handle records. Which, come on with that last one. People who are 23 barely know how to hold onto them without accidentally scratching them, you’re gonna teach a child with a tiny brain how to do it? And sure we’ve got a cousin who taught her kid to sing the chorus of the “The KKK Took My Baby Away,” but that’s just funny, and she didn’t bring the kid to a class to learn how to do it.
Far be it from us to tell you how to spend your money on your children. Given the rising costs of college, it’s not like they’re actually gonna be able to afford it, so they should learn skills while and when they can. But we’d also point that eight-year-old wunderkind DJ Kai Song learned how to DJ without taking a class, and you’ll have to tell your neighbors things like “Oh I’d love to chat but Bryce and I need to run over to his baby DJ class. You know how it is.” We suggest turning and walking before you can see your neighbor’s face turn from quizzical to horrified.