'Girls' S5 E8 recap: Why New Yorkers don't give road head

Screen Shot 2016-04-11 at 2.58.11 AM — Tonight’s episode was brought to you by trucks!

Life is a highway, except Hannah is not going to ride it all night long, and certainly not for the next three months.

On last night’s Girls, Hannah abandons Fran’s planned summer road trip about an hour and half outside the city and breaks up with Mr. Nice Guy at a rest stop once and for all. Stranded in her pajamas, she calls up Ray. He drives up in his fancy new coffee truck, but, when she tries to give him the customary thank-you blowjob, he crashes the aforementioned truck, leaving them stuck on the side of the highway. In her infinite brilliance, Hannah hitchhikes back to New York with Huck from Scandal. Shosh is back from Japan and struggling to find work, but not to find her ex, Jason Ritter. He finds her waiting for him in a sushi restaurant and gives her a little dressing down about being a dumb, whiny 20something — which, if that’s his thing now, he’s going to be awfully busy on this show.

Marnie is recording with Desi when his new girlfriend/spiritualist/stage decorator Lisa Bonet shows up to get under Marnie’s skin. Meanwhile, Adam’s sister flew the coop and left poor Laird alone with their baby, Sample. Laird leaves the baby in Adam and Jessa’s care, and it’s not long before Jessa loses their little game of house and Adam realizes that she is actually acting a bit more needy than the actual baby. Ouch.

Now pack up your Bugles and join us in discussing the moments from last night we loved so much we can’t even, and the parts that were so ridiculous we can’t even.

We Can’t Even

Screen Shot 2016-04-11 at 2.58.35 AM — Your UberPool is arriving.

There was no need for Ray to freakout about Hannah hitching a ride. What’s hitchhiking but like free Uber? We get in strangers’ cars all the time. Hell, I get into strangers’ cars thinking they’re my Uber multiple times a week.

Diamond Dick or Golden Pussy should be the title of Kanye’s next album.

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Screen Shot 2016-04-11 at 2.57.05 AM — This road trip sucks.

We have so little opportunity to give road head living in New York City, we don’t blame Hannah for taking the opportunity.

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Screen Shot 2016-04-11 at 2.52.52 AM — Category is: Grimes realness.

Shosh is an NYU graduate with experience in branding going on food stamps. This really is Taylor Swift’s New York, everybody.

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Screen Shot 2016-04-11 at 2.58.56 AM — I mean, obviously Ray is voting for Bernie, right?

We think we could all agree that Ray is the last remaining redeemable character on this show. We would totally date him if he didn’t, you know, work at a coffee shop.

We Can’t Even

Screen Shot 2016-04-11 at 2.53.23 AM — R.I.P. Fran

Fran’s plan for summer seemed more than a little ambitious. A full trailer for a road trip? Did he secretly have a small family somewhere? Plus, three months? We get that you’re a romantic, but you’ve got to be realistic. That’s a first trimester.

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Screen Shot 2016-04-11 at 2.53.48 AM — Everyone knows the taste of Bugles is irrelevant. It’s all about putting them on your fingers like giant nails and pretending you’re in SWV.

It’s not that we expected Hannah to know how to pack for months on the road, but surely she brought more than cowboy boots, pajamas and Bugles, right?

We’re actually more worried that guy DIDN’T want to murder Hannah after spending like 90 minutes with her.

So, when in trouble, Hannah first calls Marnie — the one whose ex-husband claimed was so inept and clueless she was going to end up murdered — and then Jessa second, before finally getting help from Ray. But, like, why not call Elijah, her roommate with the really rich boyfriend? Always call the gay.

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Screen Shot 2016-04-11 at 2.55.44 AM — Desi Loves Denise Huxtable.

Once again, Marnie doesn’t understand how good she has it. She’s getting FREE rage counseling. We can’t get that shit on Medicaid.

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Screen Shot 2016-04-11 at 2.56.15 AM — “Help, I’ve forgotten how to person!”

Let’s get this straight. Jessa was a nanny. She worked at a store that sold babies’ clothes. She even assisted someone with suicide. Basically, what we’re saying is that she’s had experience all over the circle of life. It was pretty weak for the writers to treat her like such a dum-dum tonight.

Next week: Hannah takes insufferable to new heights at a Moth Storyslam! Leave your ideas for what her story will be about in the comments!

Get caught up on the rest of season 5 here.

For more discussion about whether these girls will ever get it all together, follow Bobby and Carly.