Get funny or get gone from Twitter

The face of a man that can’t use Twitter. via The Rico and Mambo Morning Show

Last night marked the third and final Presidential Debate. Thank god, because I don’t think my newsfeed or my eyes can handle any more pointless tweets. Live-tweeting is as much a part of the American dream as playing the lottery: hoping against hope that a blog will see your brilliant tweet, broadcast it and you’ll get a ton of new followers and a book or a sitcom. But at the very least, turn off Facebook sharing so that your loved ones aren’t subjected to your “wit.”

True, we’re all guilty of this arm-chair play-by-play of any major event in pop culture. Even Lindsay Lohan does it, but so many debate tweets are so vapid and unnecessary that it might be better for us all if the government went Egypt-style and turned off the internet during the debates. At the very least it would force us to watch the things for substance and not potential memes. (Though memes are cool, too.)

Think I sound bitter? Just look at the crap people just felt the need to share:

Bouncing between the Bears game and the Debate.

— Kris Humphries (@KrisHumphries) October 23, 2012

RT if you think Obama won the debate.

— National Journal (@nationaljournal) October 23, 2012

Please reserve debates for joke-making only. This may sound snobbish, but COME ON. Are you trying to literally bore me to death? Great, now we know Kris Humpries’ TV watching habits and that the National Journal is desperate for a retweet. To reiterate, if you have to talk about the debate on Twitter, make some goddamn jokes. If you need an example of a joke, I hate you, but you’re in luck, because here are some Brooklyn comedy people that are y’know, funny:

“My dad was the head of a car company” can this guy say anything that isn’t super likable and relatable and cool? #debates

— Gabe Delahaye (@gabedelahaye) October 23, 2012

“I met a silver-haired man in Lancaster, PA who can’t get work giving hand-jobs at Blimpie.” — Romney

— Eugene Mirman (@EugeneMirman) October 23, 2012

. @mittromney u stole “the hope of the earth” from @pocahontas

— gabe liedman (@gabeliedman) October 23, 2012

One more thing: isn’t it funny that we’re all tweeting, and sort of hanging out “virtually”? But many of us are alone? #debate

— John Wyatt Haskell (@johnwhaskell) October 23, 2012

See, insight into the human condition laced with humor. Sarcasm. Jokes. Capiche? Comprende? Bueno? You have exactly two weeks to work on your tweets. If I’m not laughing on Election Night, I’m just gonna start watching cable news instead of Twitter. At least they’re funny, even if they’re not trying to be.