14 ways to spend Valentine’s Day that don’t suck

brooklyn night bazaar
A Brooklyn Night Bazaar SuperPass will allow you to play free mini-golf, but don’t let the competitiveness ruin your date night. via Facebook

Whether you’re in a highly dysfunctional relationship, pissed that you’re single, or (gasp!) happily dating get your head in the game this Valentine’s Day, there’s a lot of cool stuff going on. Yes, some of it revolves around gushy love stuff or lonely angst, but hey, nothing’s perfect. Skip the Groupon prix fixe dinner in Midtown and check out some of these Valentine’s alternatives:

Freddy’s Valentine’s Day Party
Freddy’s Bar, 627 5th Avenue, South Slope

Freddy’s is celebrating Valentine’s Day with a soul music/giveaway party, which has to be a better free V-Day option than crying over a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. It starts at 8pm and giveaways include a limited edition ‘Love Me’ photo by Fernando Natalic, Brooklyn made heart lock from BonBon Oiseau, and cool stuff donated by Wrecords by Monkey. The music lineup features Emerson Young & The Civilians, SPECTRE, The SHITBIRDS, First of Kindness, and The Fred Thomas Trio (featuring James Brown’s old bassist). So get up off of that thang and dance ‘til you feel better!

Big Plain Dance Off
Legion, 790 Metropolitan Avenue, East Williamsburg

Show off those seductive moves and snag a valentine at Legion’s Big Plain Dance-Off. It’s free to enter and goes from 8pm – 9:30pm. Disguises are provided to all participants to eliminate bias (and embarrassment, if you’re not the smoothest operator).

Harold and Maude
Videology, 308 Bedford Avenue, #1, Williamsburg

Because age ain’t nothing but a number, go root for some strange love at Videology’s Valentine’s Day with Harold and Maude at 9 p.m.. If you really want to class up the night, you can pay $35 for chocolate-covered strawberries and chilled Prosecco (which comes with reserved seating if you purchase the deal in advance).

Head On: Love vs. Lust
The Bell House, 149 7th Street, Gowanus

It’s a battle of the DJ’s y’all. You Don’t Have to Settle presents Head On: Love vs. Lust pitting wholesome love against sinful lust in a competition at the Bell House. At 11pm, resident DJ’s Brian Blackout & Spoolwork will be going at it until the crowd chooses a winner. If you can’t get a date, you can still bust a move.

Beer Book adventures
Get your sweetie Beer Book 5 (still a few left!) and go to your favorite bar in it, and one new bar you’ve never been to. Comfort and adventure all in one date.

Shop for sex toys and flowers in the same place
Babeland Brooklyn, 462 Bergen Street, Park Slope

Any Brooklynite knows that a pop-up shop makes a product exponentially cooler, so if you’re going the bouquet route this year, check out Babeland Brooklyn’s Pop-Up Flower Shop with Stems Architectural Florist at 4 p.m. Combine the conventional with the progressive by picking up a bouquet of red roses and a sex toy at one convenient location.

The Broken Hearted Ball
Glasslands, 289 Kent Avenue, Williamsburg

The name of this event alone is reason enough to check out the The Broken Hearted Ball: Screw Love/Get Screwed at Glasslands. Doors open at 11:30pm and tickets are just $5. Performances include Adventure[s] (DJ set), A Place Both Wonderful And Strange, and Lyle Horowitz with visuals By Paris (AUDIOVISUALALGEBRA). Sounds intense. Current drink specials are all under $10, and Glasslands claims to have the strongest drinks in town, so there’s also that.

Tour the Newton Creek Wastewater Treatment Plant
329 Greenpoint Avenue, Greenpoint

Conventional dates be damned! Tour the Digester Eggs at the Newtown Creek Wastewater Treatment Plant. The 3rd annual Valentines tour includes an overview of the wastewater treatment process at the largest plant in the city followed by an awesome view of the skyline from the observation deck. Guests also get a special giveaway (not sure about you, but my imagination is running wild). Tours begin at 9:30AM, 11:00AM, and 1:00PM. Shit (get it?), it’s free but space is limited, so, sign up now

Love and Black History Cabaret
LaunchPad, 721 Franklin Avenue, Crown Heights

Take a day meant more for consumerism and do a little learning. Some sexy learning that is, as Crown Heights’ LaunchPad combines black history month, Valentine’s Day in a cabaret featuring performances from Chewy Choo N’siah, Tribe Intergrate and more. And then stick around for the karaoke after-party.

RUBULAD Presents: Happy Together, A Valentine’s Dance
The Paper Box, 17 Meadow Street, Bushwick

Leave your cynicism at the door (for one night) and go celebrate love at Happy Together, A Valentine’s Dance. Tickets are $20 and doors open at 9pm. The night includes performances by Viva DeConcini’s Rock & Roll Burlesque, Gato Loco, and DJ Shakey with “aerial amazements” by Kae Burke.

Missed Connections Party
New York Transit Museum, Corner of Boerum Place and Schermerhorn Street, Brooklyn Heights

Come wallow in your sorrows about not sparking up a convo with that subway hottie at the Missed Connections Party. Celebrate the hilarity/romance/bizarreness that is Craigslist Missed Connections by turning postings into art. The party is from 6:30pm – 8:30pm. Tickets costs $15 ($10 for museum members). Other perks: Brooklyn tastings, valentine-making, a photo booth, and (fingers crossed) single, lonely missed connections.

Have a 100% free V-Day
The weather might be bad, but don’t let that keep you indoors. We’ve got the perfect guide for a free Valentine’s Day, and it’s not every day you can get free candy from a baby (store).

My Funny Valentines
The Fort Hamilton Theater, 7th Avenue and Poly Place, Bay Ridge

Most of us could use a good laugh on Valentine’s Day and this event is pretty badass, a comedy show at an army base. My Funny Valentines features Dell Harrison, Drew Frazer, Smokey Suarez, Gerald Kelly, and Faceman. Doors open at 8p.m., show starts at 8:30p.m. Advanced tickets are $20.00. Look your flyest because there’s a $250 giveaway to the sexiest couple and the sexiest single!

Skip the line, play mini-golf
Brooklyn Night Bazaar, 165 Banker Street, Greenpoint

Whether you have an actual date or just want to couple up with a rando for the discount, get the special SuperPass for $25. You can cut the line, get two meals, desserts, mini golf/ping-pong, and two drinks at the Brooklyn Night Bazaar.

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