The most absurd items at the new Brooklyn Whole Foods

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Also see: TEETHERS IV: Revenge of the Unborn

Now that we’ve already figured out how to score the best deals at the Brooklyn’s first Whole Foods in Gowanus, we figured it was time to dig through the store’s more superfluous offerings. We crisscrossed the aisles to find the most embarrassingly nuovo-Brooklyn items that will leave no doubt your shopping cart has been through the trenches of the borough’s modern grocery fare. Behold the most absurd, over-the-top and downright perplexing products we could find in this paradoxically urbanized box store and join the chorus of “why???”

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Vinegar powder:

It's the cocaine of vinegars!
It’s the cocaine of vinegars!

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An entire wall of local bitters:

So your Old Fashioned can taste like Old Bay.
So your Old Fashioned can taste like Old Bay.

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Self-promotional reading material:

Ironically the only item in the store without a price tag.
Ironically the only item in the store without a price tag.

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Air-chilled snow water poultry:

But was it yellow snow?
But was it yellow snow?

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Beet cacao dessert (?)

Because ice cream should taste more like dirt.
Because somebody had to bring ice cream back to its roots.

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Roberta’s frozen pizza:

For a more authentic experience, wait outside in the cold for 2.5 hours before eating.
For a more authentic experience, wait outside in the cold for 2.5 hours before being served by a naked waitress.

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Brooklyn gravy (that is also from New Jersey and Italy):

Why not split the difference and call it “Staten Island Marinara”?
Why not split the difference and call it “Staten Island Marinara”?

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Locally sourced record jewelry:

Drink five.
Drink five.

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“Slow dried” locally made whole-wheat dinosaur pasta:

But are the dinosaurs free range?
But are the dinosaurs free range?

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Branded bike beer cooler:

Gentrify entire neighborhoods as you ride through with this Third and 3rd-branded bike cooler!
Gentrify entire neighborhoods as you ride through with this
Third and 3rd-branded bike cooler!

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Fermented probiotic coconut water:

When coconut water just isn’t yuppie enough for you anymore.
When coconut water just isn’t yuppie enough for you anymore.

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Up-market pigs in blankets:

Your friends will never know that this didn't come out of a can!
Your friends will never know that this didn’t come out of a can!

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Coffee with a whole lotta words on it:

Cause who DOESN’T want a piping cup of joe that tastes like your garbage disposal after Thanksgiving AND the post-dinner juice cleanse?
A piping hot cup of joe, grinds sourced from your garbage disposal after Thanksgiving and the neighbors’ compost pile.

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Scoop-your-own salt:

HYPER LOCAL! Scraped off of 3rd Ave after the latest Snowmaggedon.
HYPER LOCAL! Scraped off of Third Ave after the latest Snowmaggedon.

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ULTIMATE VAGINAL SUPPORT!!

In today’s political climate, vaginal support is more critical than ever.
In today’s political climate, vaginal support is more
critical than ever.

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Follow Maddie and Rachel as they chronicle the delicious and the ridiculous: @madddesign @rachelevestein

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13 COMMENTS

  1. Im sorry but if you aren’t concerned about where the dies that cut your slow dried dinosaur pasta shapes are made, you aren’t a responsible consumer.

    • Yeah I’m not gonna lie, I would definitely eat that beet ice cream, would probably pay a maximum of $4 for a scoop.

    • honestly it sounds like something you could use if you were making homemade salt and vinegar potato chips.

      oh god let’s make homemade salt and vinegar potato chips

    • There’s a bar in town that uses powdered vinegar on their popcorn – which I believe they offer for FREE… I guess they re-coup there losses by over-charging on their beers?

  2. The author(s) of this listicle are ignorant, obtuse, and excruciatingly unfunny. I cringe for you and your progeny who will inherit your unfunniness and lack of being able to “get it.”

  3. I’m not sure why a probiotic product meant for preventing things like yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis is being called “superfluous.” I’m not sure I understand what’s so yuppie about watching after your gynecological health.

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