Professional sports day continues here at Brokelyn with a statement of our official editorial position on the move of the New York
Bodega Cats Islanders to Brooklyn: go the hell back to Nassau County you rotten losers. The people of Brooklyn shouldn’t even have a second thought about rejecting the Isles like a bad organ transplant. They bring the stink of losing with them, an embarrassing owner and the possibility of suburban crowds that already hate Brooklyn. And even better, the team is gonna be shoehorned into an arena that’s not even built for hockey. Oh well, guess that’s plenty of work for the overnight conversion crew.
A lot of you are probably scratching your heads right now and saying, “What is this hockey you speak of?” Ha ha, smart guy. New York actually has a long and beautiful hockey tradition, because we actually have a winter (or at least we used to). And even I’m willing to admit that Islanders were once part of that tradition. But that run of good fortune ended before most of us were born.
Put another way, the Islanders were good when these dads were our age. They’ve made it out of the first round of the playoffs once since 1987, if they’ve even qualified for them. Even the Nets (who suck and will always suck) have a more recent record of success. People will no doubt talk about their young talented core, but if sucking forever and getting high draft picks was a guaranteed way to get success than the Pittsburgh Pirates wouldn’t be the worst team in professional sports history right now.
They have an owner, Charles Wang, best known for suggesting that teams sign sumo wrestlers to play goalie. No sorry, best known for having to buy out his partner’s share of the team because his partner was indicted for for fraud. Or maybe he’s best known for hiring a career backup goalie as general manager of the team and giving a 15-year contract to an oft-injured goalie who’s played 47 games in the last four years (that is not many games, for you non-hockey fans). People are hailing him as a hero for keeping the Islanders in New York, as if we need another team that trips over its own feet at every opportunity. And I say that as a Mets fan.
Even better, the Islanders are going to try to keep their identity. Which, I’ll give the Nets credit for this much: when they were leaving Jersey, they did everything they could to antagonize New Jersey and keep them away, including taking “New Jersey” off of their uniforms. But since the Islanders are only moving a few miles west, their suburban core of fans will be coming out to appreciate the wonders of Brooklyn.
Or not. It was possible to keep the Hooters out of Park Slope when their was just one team, but wait until Atlantic Avenue is flooded with people that don’t want to wait an hour for a table at Applebees and demand another chain restaurant. Or what, do you think they’ll go to Dao Palate? Think I’m being unfair? Here’s an Islanders fan that lives in Sunset Park bemoaning the fact that he doesn’t want hockey to get too cool because of “hipsters.” First of all, shut up, guy. Second of all, what we really don’t want is Billy Joel-loving, Roosevelt Field mallrats stomping around Brooklyn, wondering where the damn Cheesecake Factory is. Long Island sucks, I would know, and if you permanently aggrieved “original Brooklynites” think the people that move here are bad, wait until you meet the people we were trying to get away from.
LIBOR Barclays Center just seems like it’s going to be a terrible place to see a hockey game. Look at this seating chart, and compare it to the one from the Air Canada Centre, where the Toronto Maple Leafs play. Notice how in Toronto, you can get seats behind both goals. In Brooklyn, you’re gonna be stuck in this weird horseshoe thing that I’m sure won’t look really stupid when it’s empty because the Islanders can’t draw fans, because who the hell wants to go see such a depressing spectacle. No matter how much an Islander game costs, it’s not going to be worth your money. Maybe if seeing them get creamed by the Kings or the Penguins or the Rangers is cheap, then maybe it could be worth it. But that’s what we’re getting excited for? Seeing a team with “Brooklyn” get their asses handed to them? Ugh.
In conclusion: Potvin sucks.