When it comes to Valentine’s Day, I’m firmly in Tim’s camp: it’s for suckers. Of course, I have a lot more to cry about than he does. Instead of doing that, I went to Fat Albert’s, the most wonderful department store in all of Bushwick, and shopped for all of you people. If you’re not familiar, Fat Albert’s is a giant, anything goes discount warehouse right by the Flushing Ave. J and M stop, described by a Yelp reviewer (the only Yelp reviewer, actually) as a place that “looks pretty beat up and does need an extreme makeover, but you can’t beat the prices.” Sounds like the perfect place to find a Valentine’s Day present!
Eva Dreams underwear: $0.99, on special
If you can’t turn your girlfriend into an object when you’re having sex on Valentine’s Day, when can you do it? Sure can you stare and ask yourself how and why something like this exists, but maybe it’s actually just a misprint and the target should be on the front? You know, for people who want to get pregnant but can’t remember that it happens through the vagina? Not pictured: the button clasp in the front, for easy access.
Milwaukee Bucks branded basketball shorts: $6.99
Ladies, is your man a fan of the Bucks? Haha, no, of course not, they don’t have any fans. Just tell him you got them for him because the green matches his eyes.
Branded, Eau de Parfum: $2.99
I can’t decide what’s best about this. Is it that the box states: “Branded is not associated with the makers of Ed Hardy Christian Audigier”? Is it that that would affect someone’s decision to buy it? Is it that learning that the knockoff is $2.99 means the actual Ed Hardy perfume most be 10 times the price? Oh, no, I just remembered. My favorite thing about this is that your boyfriend bought it for you.
Panda Trash can: $4.99
Aside from the fact that I’d be freaked out about the face just staring at me all the time, this doesn’t seem like such a bad gift. But how do you buy someone a garbage on Valentine’s Day?
I (Heart) Me bathrobe: $12.99
Technically, Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about showing appreciation for the other person in your life. What if they’re a delusional narcissist? Fat Albet’s (“Alberto El Gordo” in Spanish) can help you out.
Black and Decker “Gizmo”: $3.99
Your girlfriend (or boyfriend!) does a damn good job in the kitchen and you’ve never really bothered to appreciate it. Coincidentally, Black and Decker didn’t even bother to give this thing a real name. I think it is some kind of salad dressing mixer. It feels like it might fall apart if you breathe on it, much less mix up a honey mustard dressing.
Dr. Sheffield’s Personal Lubricant: .99
“Wait, honey! Where are you going? Is it the lube? I’m sure the old man on the box won’t be watching us or anything!”
Confidential, by O, nightie: $6.99
I could talk about the ridiculous name or how it’s 98 percent polyester. Screw it, you know, I’ll just be honest here. Someone, sometime, is going to buy this, and they’re going to wear it, and they’re going to have sex. And while that happens, I’ll probably just be jerking off or looking at hockey highlights.
Follow David: @herbertharper.