We’re less than a week into the new year, and already you’re probably hating your job even more fiercely than you did in 2015. While we can’t exactly fix that for you (even though we can recommend other options), we can at least try to distract you from suffocating ennui by showing you how much worse you could have it.
It’s all laid out in Choose Your Own Misery, a new adventure series created by two former Onion writers, Mike MacDonald and Jilly Gagnon. The books function just like one of those old Choose Your Own Adventure novels, but they’re set in an office, and the scenarios they use will sound eerily like your 9-to-5.
“Now you’re a grownup,” reads the books’ description. “Grownups have choices, but they don’t have adventures. And no matter what they choose, things tend not to end well.”
MacDonald hails from Toronto, and Gagnon from Minnesota — not the first people you’d expect to write a pessimistic book series, but then, weirder things have happened.
The first book of the series is “The Office Adventure,” and it’s currently just on pre-order, but you can start playing with destiny much sooner. Click through one of their online mini-adventures, using the cringe-worthy office scenario of having to poop so badly that you might not make it up from your desk.
If you want to just let loose and shit here, click [here.]
If you want to hold it in and head downstairs to the shitting-allowed bathrooms, click [here.]
You can also join the CYOM mailing list for more updates and mini-adventures, and have these time-wasting gems delivered straight to your inbox. And you can choose and choose and choose, even though it won’t do you any good. Because much like an actual office job, “You have endless choices, but few real options.”
Mark your calendars for January 29, when Choose Your Own Misery‘s book tour comes to Pete’s Candy Store (709 Lorimer Street).