‘Girls’ season 5, episode 5 recap: Lesbian orgasm tears and a possible return of Charlie?

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A very chill weekend sleeping vag out with a bunch of moms.

Nice guys finish last, except when they finish first and also inside you, and you demand they pretend they were going to pull out and now you’re pregnant. Last night’s installment of Girls, “Queen for Two Days,” had all the makings of the best Girls episodes: travels outside the city, an extended dance sequence and no Marnie. We got a tease of a possible return of Charlie, Marnie’s ex (who left the show suddenly after season 2) and more of the Adam and Jessa sex no one asked for. 

First, here’s what went down: Hannah joined her mom Loreen at a the sort of women’s retreat that even this show knows is ridiculous. Hannah took the weekend to escape her too-nice boyfriend, Fran, while Loreen was looking for a little alone time to figure out if she should divorce her gay husband. Jessa and Adam are still being gross together, but they take a break from acting out pregnancy scare kink scenes to meet Jessa’s even more terrible half-sister. Jessa asks her half-sis for some cash to pay for school, which the half-sister (sort of justifiably) denies.

This opens up an opportunity for Adam to play white knight and mansplain that Jessa is a beautiful, perfect beam of pure white light or something. Then he tells her he’s going to pay for her school with his magic acting money.

Meanwhile, in Japan, Shosh has got a job at the local cat café and a relationship with her former co-worker Yoshi. She gets a visit from the woman who fired her, Abigail, and she’s determined to show Abs just how totally great she’s doing. It almost works, but when Yoshi tells them he and Shosh are going to lose their virginity to one another, Shosh breaks down and confesses to Abigail that she’s sad and lonely. Then she walks out in the streets of Tokyo, all alone.

Now join us in discussing the moments from last night we loved so much we can’t even, and the parts that were so ridiculous we can’t even.

We Can’t Even

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Who wants to be facedown in someone’s swamp crotch inside a sauna?

Last week we learned that gay men can have missionary sex just like boring ol’ straights, and this week we learned that lesbian orgasms end in tears. Move over, Gaycation on Viceland!

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Welcome back, nightmare.

So glad after a few weeks of studying to becoming a therapist, being the one to pull Marnie’s whole wedding together and putting her friendship with Hannah before her own romantic desires, it’s finally time for Jessa to act batshit insane and go back to pregnancy-scare sex fantasies and telling stories about her half-sister fucking her dad.

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Brandon Scott Jones

The hilarious Brooklyn comedian Brandon Scott Jones (recently seen in Live On Broadgay) makes a cameo appearance in last night’s episode as an uppity employee at Loreen and Hannah’s retreat. (He was also Abbi’s hairstylist on last week’s Broad City.)

Those poor, sad ladies at the Spring Queening retreat! If only they realized that most gay guys would totally love to marry them and live in one big coral and sea foam-green appointed bungalow in Florida Golden Girls-style. Bring on the cheesecake and caftans!

Who’s to say Loreen and Tad’s marriage needs to be sexless? It seems like they’re having even better sex now. Why can’t they work out some kind of very modern open marriage that would make them the talk of the town?

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“You’re working in what is clearly a sex hut.”

Aidy Bryant was the real MVP of last night’s episode. I agreed with everything she said. Yoshi does look like an Asiatic One Direction member, and we also would watch the shit out of a Yosh and Shosh travel show.

We Can’t Even

Tasteful side-butt.

Tasteful side-butt

What’s more disgusting: Hannah’s once-a-day dental hygiene or the fact that she sleeps full Winnie the Pooh-style in the same room as her mother?

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Millennials crave authenticity, you guys.

Millennials crave authenticity, you guys.

We’re not experts on Japanese culture, but it seems like moving to to Japan, working at a cat cafe and wearing Hello Kitty-esque hair barrettes is the equivalent of moving to New York, dressing as the Statue of Liberty in Times Square covered in bedbugs and actually being an everything bagel.

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Vom.

Still gross.

It was nice seeing Adam and Jessa fuck in an actual bed this week like civilized people, but if Adam has boatloads of college tuition money lying around, you think he could invest in a little Home Polish or a few throw pillows or at least some shit from the Container Store. His place is gross.

Surely no disaster will come from Adam funding Jessa’s tuition. That’s a totally healthy thing for a couple that’s been dating for all of two seconds to do.

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Charlie and the denim factory

Next week: We’re making up for lost time with a very Marnie episode. We obsessively rewatched the teaser for next week’s episode, and we’ve got some theories.

The guy at the end of the row in the denim-on-denim outfit doesn’t NOT look like Marnie’s ex, Charlie. Then it looks like Marnie spends the day with the denim dude, looking awfully wistful/nostalgic. Plus, Chris Abbott was spotted on set when this season was filming last summer. Will Charlie and Desi have a sad, sensitive slapfight over Marnie’s affection? Will Desi hang himself with a puka shell necklace? No matter what happens, just please don’t let Marnie sing about it.

For more discussion of whether these Girls will ever get it all together, follow Bobby: @Bobbeyonce.

Catch up on the rest of the season 5 recaps here.