As you may have heard, not only is Williamsburg getting that Urban Outfitters it’s always needed, but the company is applying for a liquor license to open a cafe within the store. Befitting any major destination drinking spot in Brooklyn these days, they’re going to have an extensive artisanal cocktail menu, which sources close to the company have leaked to Brokelyn. Presented for your perusal, an exclusive first look at the menu of Cafe Urban Outfitters:
The Bushwick Mary: just a normal Bloody Mary, but it comes in a glass that says “Bushwick,” so it’s $32
BRKLYN Lager: Brooklyn Brewery Lager first shipped to the midwest for extra filtration, served to you after being watered down. Just $7 for a 12 oz. “pint”
Manhattan: normal Manhattan, but they send a bike messenger over the Williamsburg Bridge to get it from the Ace Hotel before serving it to you
Williamsburg Iced Tea: actually a Long Island Iced Tea, but fuck Long Island
The Tin Monkey: a screwdriver served in a glass shaped like an Olde English 40, mixed on a vinyl copy of Hello, Nasty
Urban Reserve Fernet (a product of Jagermeister Incorporated)
Shit My Dad Drinks – A drink that’s based on a popular Tumblr that you never really drink, but buy for someone’s birthday and it just kinda sits on the bar in a slightly amusing glass. Can be served in a tumbler at your request
The Etsy Bitsy Biter – A cocktail the Urban Outfitters bartender read about on Etsy and and repackaged for three times the price.
Vintage Fashioned – hodgepodge of opened bottles of random liquor found in a thrift store.
Keep Brooklyn Wired – Italian soda siphoned from original packaging, re-bottled in mexican Coke bottles, topped with an espresso liqueur floater, just like how those guys at the Social Club drink it.
The Instagram – homemade liquor filtered through a dirty sponge for extra grittiness.
The Santorum Colada – Frothy and discriminating!
Cobblesmoked Hot Pockets: $25 each; $5 upcharge for non-microwaved version
Fruit by the Foot. OMG remember the 90s?
Conflict-free Steak Medallions
Onion toe rings
Bacon-encrusted mole skins over rice
Sweet Tarts – comes in comically oversized 8-foot roll
The Diet Hipster.com: A sandwich of all white bread, made of 95 percent hot air and little meat, served in a replica of your mom’s basement.
Hamburger bean bag chair – Also an edible hamburger
The Bryce – Our take on Katz’s Reuben. Lots of extra mayo.
The Retro: A artfully distressed version of sandwich you once owned in 1989 and now costs three times as much
Jokes from Katrina Casino, David Colon, Tim Donnelly, Meredith Olson, Eric Silver and Cat Wolinski