Keep your sweaters, keep your decorative gourds, keep your pumpkin spice anything. There’s only one thing I care about in the fall: WITCHES.
That’s right, witches. I love witches. I love stylish Ryan Murphy witches that fire off snappy dialogue. I love animated Disney witches that straight-up try to murder people in a children’s movie. I love aspiring teenage witches in the suburbs that are too old to like horses, but too young to do drugs so they play Light As A Feather, Stiff As A Board at weekend slumber parties.
And why not? Witches are awesome. Not only are they reclaimed feminist icons, but they also DO MAGIC. As soon as Halloween hysteria gets in full swing, and Hocus Pocus is on heavy rotation on cable, I start calling the corners.
Walking the streets of Brooklyn, it’s tough not to see witches all around you. Every block is seemingly studded with stylish girls dressed in black with dark lipstick and wide-brimmed hats. (Or maybe that’s just the HAIM sisters.) And let’s not forget the actual coven of witches in Bushwick.
To celebrate the season of the witch, we’ve rounded up 10 of our favorite pop culture witches to represent Brooklyn neighborhoods. Take a look at which witch we picked for your hood in the list below.
Williamsburg: Stevie Nicks, Fleetwood Mac
More dangerous in the ‘70s, but still where you can find the best cocaine.
Bushwick: Nancy (Fairuza Balk), The Craft
Get enough punk kids with nose rings in an empty warehouse, and shit gets crazy.
Coney Island: Winifred Sanderson (Bette Midler), Hocus Pocus
Bright, colorful, lures in children, serves the wiener of a man named “Nathan.”
Park Slope: Sally Owens (Sandra Bullock), Practical Magic
These days, focused less on witchcraft and more on taking care of the kids and running the organic shampoo shop.
Sunset Park: Melisandre (Carice van Houten), Game of Thrones
More history than people give it credit for; has visions of a prosperous future.
Prospect Heights: Hermione (Emma Watson), Harry Potter
Spends all her time at the library and museum. Adorable, but also trying a little too hard.
Bay Ridge: Endora, Bewitched
Will be around forever (thanks to rent control), rocking the same hair and makeup as my mee-maw.
Gowanus: Wicked Witch of the West (Margaret Hamilton), Wizard of Oz
Getting more and more green, but if you jump in the water, you still might melt.
Red Hook: Ursula (Pat Carroll), The Little Mermaid
Flotsam and Jetsam could also be the names of window treatments at Ikea, plus, between Red Hook Lobster Pound and Brooklyn Crab, it’s the best taste of under the sea.
Boerum Hill: Maleficent (Angelina Jolie), Maleficent
Beautiful, but dangerously expensive; filled with famous celebrities.
Carroll Gardens: Sabrina (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina the Teenage Witch
Family-friendly witchcraft, but you’ll need magic to afford a place with an extra closet to use as a gateway to the Other Realm.
Greenwood Heights: The Blair Witch, The Blair Witch Project
The historic, beautiful cemetary brings two words to mind: Ghooooooossst wiiiiiiiiiitch!
Greenpoint: Scarlet Witch (Elizabeth Olsen), The Avengers
Can rock a hip red leather jacket, but is still very Eastern European.
Did we get it right? Have a witch in mind for neighborhoods we missed? Let us know in the comments!
You can ask to join Bobby’s coven on Twitter: @bobbyhank.