Just in time for 4/20 and Passover, we have been given the bittersweet gift (yes, I know neither of those holy holidays involve gifts) of Broad City‘s season 3 finale and the somewhat-but-actually-not-that-thrilling conclusion of Abbi and Ilana’s “Birthmark” journey to Israel. Through the long flight to the promised land, we learned more about the inter-personal relationships among Jews and airline personnel (so that’s why they call it a cockpit…), but what we didn’t get was enough time celebrating the power of female friendship to keep us cozy until the next season. Ugh, they’re famous now.
We picked up where we left off last week’s Jews On a Plane episode. After swapping their way into seats separated solely by a single, sleeping giant of a man and settling in with his headphones, Abbi suddenly starts her period — except her suitcase is underneath the plane, and the multipack of tampons she brought is inside it. (Speaking of her suitcase, guys, have y’all read Drew Barrymore’s Refinery29 post? It’s, like, off-the-charts terrible. Is Drew Barrymore’s bad writing a thing? It should be a thing.)
Please pardon this interruption for a Public Service Announcement from the Broad City writer’s room: Tampons should be free. Every woman should have access to tampons — all different sizes. The only reason this is not the case is because the government hates women (related: peep the cover of Newsweek’s latest issue). Okay, cool.
It’s now that we get to the crux of the episode; a well-known pillar of female humiliation: asking strangers for tampons. Why is this still scary? I have no idea. I’m 31, and I don’t give a fuck, and for some reason I’d still really, really, really rather not. It should be more like asking someone for a tissue, you know? Although I guess that’s pretty gross, too. Abbi finally finds a mousey Jewess who digs a teensy-tiny tampon out of her Longchamp (that is so good, you guys).
Meanwhile, Ilana, ever the resourceful baby-human, is gathering all manner of absorbent materials from other passengers to craft a gigantic homemade tampon for her BFF, but not without being stopped by Seth Green and fulfilling her dream of blowing a chosen bro in an airplane bathroom. Seth Green? Really? Ilana, come on. Ew.
The Tampax Goldilocks spots a box of the goods in first class, and the girls decide to make like Melissa McCarthy in Spy — Abbi launches into a truly terrible rendition of “Hark, the Herald Angels Sing” for distraction and Ilana flings off her flip-flops to make a run for it, but they’re both tackled by zealous flight attendants looking for their Flight 93 moment or whatever. The girls are interrogated under suspect of terrorism by the Israeli police, who end up just putting them back on a plane home with a chaperone, cuz they’re white.
In the end, the broads realize they never should have left New York in the first place — they belong here, and besides, the falafel in Astoria is just as good as the real thing. You know that feel — there’s nothing like leaving town for approximately 12 hours to make you miss literally everything about this beautiful, disgusting place.
Let’s be clear: this is definitely an episode about how much it fucking sucks to have a period. See ya next season, ladies! [Actually, you can watch Ilana Glazer and Paul Downs (Trey) in their new three-part mini-series, Time-Traveling Bong, which premiered on Comedy Central last night and runs through Friday night. And I highly suggest that you do.]
We picked out the references you may have missed, the moments we’re still talking about and the GIFs you need in your life right now:
Moment that made us scream YAS, QUEEN: Tfw your life goal is the same as Ilana’s: to make enough money to fly first class.
Best callback: Abbi’s WASPy Judaism has been heavily referenced, in particular when we traveled with her to her hometown. This episode brought her religion into direct question, never really confirming whether or not she’s even Jewish. For the record, Jesus is just a hot, rich-kid asshole.
Best cameo: Adam Levine belongs in cheerful airplane safety videos, truly. If you fly Virgin, this probably looks familiar.
Best pun: The Mohel High Club, obviously. I feel like it’s possible the entire two-part finale was created explicitly for that joke? “I won’t Tel Aviv” comes in second, for sure.
Spotify sync: Spank Rock’s “Backyard Betty” is an oldie, but a goodie.
Mile High FOMO: There’s just something about doing it in the air.
OH on Broad City or OH in Brooklyn? “Ew. Cornell?” “Hey, it’s still an ivy.” (Jk, all of the above.)
Realest moment in the whole damn episode: The feeling you get when your period starts, and the immediacy with which you realize exactly what’s happened inside of your body will never cease to amaze me. Abbi goes from silent to solution-oriented to screaming in approximately two seconds flat, which is p. accurate. Also, yeah dudes, that toilet paper trick is a thing.
GIF of the week: We all just need a fucking tampon.
Get caught up on the rest of season 3 here.
To fill the Broad City-shaped hole in your lives until next season, follow Meghan. Or don’t, cuz that doesn’t really make sense: @meghann.