Winter has come and gone, and good fucking riddance. It’s time to banish away the fleece leggings and skinny jeans and take on a Royal Teens’ “Who Wears Short Shorts?” outlook for the blistering hot days to come! Whether your legs be hairy or shaven, toned or flabby, stretch marked or nah, this is the time for us Brooklyn girls to observe our patriotic right to Bare Legs. And what better way to do it than with a classic pair of mom jeans, cut off to the length of your choice? That’s right. I’m here to spread the good word of Mom Shorts.
Even as I say this, I sense a strange shift in the air. As I preach for my beloved lady jorts, I feel the collective energy of boners going down. Men everywhere are shaking their fists toward the heavens, cursing Mom Shorts with a resounding, “Those aren’t hot!”
All it takes is one quick Google search to get a glimpse of the hell that was raised when the shorts became popular in 2012. To this day, men and “I have guy friends!” women alike continue to voice their outrage about the “granny panties of pants,” whatever that means. (Also; what’s a “cigarette smoker’s butt?” I’m not a smoker, but I’m intrigued.)
But as a serious advocate for Mom Shorts, I find these stances irrelevant and lacking in reasonability. And I declare the wearing of Mom Shorts the best way to smash the patriarchy, one high-waisted denim pair at a time.
First of all, Mom Shorts are the Saviors Of Summer in so many ways. They’re comfortable for a lady on the go and well-equipped with luxurious, deep-ass pockets that actually hold things. The Mom Short transitions easily from work to social setting; and with the denim cinching higher around the waist instead of constricting the thighs, there’s more legroom for physical activity. The shorts’ shaping taper complements crop tops and summer shirts easily. In a Mom Short, a lady shan’t worry about the dreaded beer bloat and food baby: her denim bestie already has her covered, literally.
In light of all these qualities, tell me: why should we care what men think about us wearing them?
I know, ladies, I know: it’s hard out here for a bitch. A girl can’t even go pick up her laundry anymore without receiving an unsolicited comment from some ass-hat on her appearance. Before getting out of bed and putting on anything that shows skin above the ankle, we often have to brace ourselves for the comments that follow. Catcalls and street harassment hit home through blasting headphones no matter how high the volume is. Tagged photos invite all of your friend and folks you don’t even know to take a gander at what you’re working with. Phone calls home to the parents (Hi Mom!) quickly devolve into arguments about how your outfit was the reason some guy smacked your ass walking home.
Personally, I’ve gotten everything from strangers telling me (without my having to ask!) that I was the reason God “made legs,” to my coworkers teasing me about how I have a “saggy ass” while still claiming “you don’t look bad, Grandma!”
Honestly, hand me my knitting needles and point me to the nearest bingo hall (self-proclaimed addict), because “Grandma” must mean I’m doing something right. Many a glorious, savvy grandmother, mother and woman have come before me and embraced the Mom Short, strongly taking on the world and paving the way for independent ladies to feel confident in what they’re wearing.
Need more inspiration? It’s out there! Badass celebrities everywhere have donned the Mom Short in times past and present. With the help of her classic 80s Mom Shorts, Jennifer Grey dirty once danced her way into Patrick Swayze’s (RIP) heart and Sarah Michelle Gellar died in her best denim. Today, Beyonce slays in the high thigh look and Ilana Glazer is constantly Mom Shorts-clad in Broad City. Even the wise and all-powerful Amy Poehler and Tina Fey have graced us by allowing the world to photograph them in high-waisted shorts, and you can bet your ass that if two of my greatest funny lady idols are still wearing the fuck out of Mom Shorts, I’ll be doing the same until I’m good and dead.
And listen, Mom Shorts cannot physically cause a man any pain or harm. My womanly prowess is not going to make the zipper teeth come to life, jump off my body, and devour your penis while I maniacally laugh in the distance, bathing myself in your blood. Just because I’m baring my legs and successfully hiding my love(ly) handles, I have no intention to pin you down with my powerful thunder-thighed views of how women should be able to wear whatever they please. Unless you look at me funny.
The most damage that Mom Shorts are capable of is their contributing to intense, wet sweat marks left behind when you get stuck to a leather seat on a hot day. And while that can be slightly embarrassing, trust us: you’ll survive much worse in this lifetime.
Miraculously, in what appears to be a world surrounded by Mom Short haters, there are some men who have heard the good word and embraced it. I went on a date recently and the guy told me that he was a fan of Mom Shorts (gasp) with so much sincerity that it almost earned him a second date on the spot. One of my male coworkers exclaimed how I “glow” when putting my best high-waisted leg forward, and it wasn’t a jab at how my legs glow in the dark when the sun goes down. Two other coworkers have gone out of their way to apologize for their previous comments toward my appearance after I took the time to explain how much I pride myself in my jorts. I take these all as small victories.
And though each day is a new challenge of defending my oath I take solace in the fact that there is hope. And I pledge to carry on the trend for as long as these shorts still grace this planet.
Find more short-form messages from Hope on Twitter: @HavingHope14
For more pro-jorts advocacy, read our takedown of pantsplaining here.