If you’ve spent any time on our fabulous events calendar (and why wouldn’t you? it’s great), you may have noticed the occasional listing for a diaper elimination group. If you didn’t have kids, you probably skipped right over it, because unless you’re noted diaper fetish and gun enthusiast Senator David Vitter, you probably don’t have a huge need to think about diapers. But DNAInfo went and found out what the parenting trend was all about, and it will either make you never want to have children or rush out and buy a dog so you can train for the day when you have a kid.
Their reporter stopped by Caribou Baby in Greenpoint to observe a class on how to get your kid to not need diapers anymore. What does one learn in the class? To teach cues to your baby so that it can learn to communicate to you that it has to go to the bathroom. By making “sssss” or grunting noises. Which, you know, as someone without a baby, I have to say sounds kind of confusing, because I just figured babies make noise like that all the damn time. Anyway, once your kid starts making those noises, you try to catch the piss or shit in a potty, a cloth diaper, a sink, whatever’s handy.
Which, we can already picture recoiling in horror. But really, unless you’re David Vitter, what’s so appealing about a diaper anyway? It just smears all the crap everywhere if the kid is wearing one, and then you have to clean it up anyway. So, presumably, if you and your child can come to some kind of understanding about when nature calls, all you would have to do is wipe your baby’s ass, not throw a literal sack of crap into the garbage. Which, by the way, is terrible for the environment. So I guess we should either just stop having babies or stop using diapers. And given the way this week has gone, either one works, really.