Some asshole stole the custom life preserver from Montero’s

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Montero’s, now down one life preserver. Photo by Catherine Wolinski

Crime in New York City has generally been on a downward slope, owing either to the fact that people are doing better economically or we’re just more polite. It hasn’t stopped odd bar thefts though. In some cases, it’s gross, but is otherwise fine, like when some lunatic steals out of urinals. In the instance of the person who’s stolen the custom Montero’s life preserver, you are just an asshole, sir or madam.

The Times shares the story of how among the life preservers hanging up from real ships such as the S.S. Stonewall Jackson and S.S. Robert E. Lee, there was also a custom one made by Pepe Montero’s nephew. It hung safely for twenty years, before some shithead took it for himself a couple of weeks ago. Bartenders and patrons are split as to whether the theft took place on a busy or slow night, and who could have done it. Possibly lousy college students. All we know for sure is that if there’s any justice in this world, the vengeful Kraken will attack this person through the toilet and drag him down to a watery grave, never to be seen again.

And if you’ve got any info on who took the life preserver, you best speak up. Otherwise, the Kraken will come for you too.

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