Boerum Hill/ Gowanus

Royal Palms Shuffleboard Club inches you towards retirement with bingo, Mah Jong nights

royal palms shuffleboard bingo
Murray Hill and Linda Simpson will make you feel like you’re in Palm Beach, even while it’s snowing

As struggling artists/freelancers/corporate cogs in Broketown, despite our individual goals, it’s safe to say we all share one common dream: early retirement. And while it is highly unlikely that Gowanus’ Royal Palms Shuffleboard Club (514 Union Street) will in any way provide you with the financial security to flip off your boss or landlord and move to sunnier skies, you’ll be able to get a preview of your future golden years (though we all know potable water will be the REAL currency of the future) at their newly announced bingo and Mah Jong nights.

That’s right, joining the ranks of reclaimed octogenarian pastimes like our bocce leagues and knitting circles are the seedier elements already plaguing retirement homes. This Wednesday at 7pm will see the inauguration of bingo night, hosted by drag duo Murray Hill and Linda Simpson. Just think, cash and prizes can be yours at the price of $2 per card. And to all the naysayers who think bingo is just pure luck, that might be true, but it’s a lot more fun than playing the lottery. That’s why Shirley Jackson didn’t name her story “Bingo Game of Communal Sacrifice.”

If you’re more into taking money directly from your fellow pink-hairs, then Mah Jong League on Mondays, starting on March 31, might be your game. All I know about this game is that magically the woman who used to call me into the kitchen for fresh-baked cookies transforms when she holds those tiles, staring through me with cold, dead eyes. It sounds amazing, and at the cost of $10, you’ll get a head start on your later years at the tables with the other bad grandmas/grandpas. Just remember that if you can’t figure out who the sucker in the room is, it’s you.

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