Quit buying pumpkin beer in August

In case you needed a reminder, it’s still summer. Seriously, look on your calendar, it’s right there, August 15? August 15 is during the summer. In fact, there’s still over a month of summer left if we’re going by things like equinoxes and solstices. So why is it that when I go to my bodega, I have to see pumpkin beer stocked front and center in the fridge? Why, when I go to the bar is pumpkin beer already on the beer list? Quit trying to kill the summer. Quit buying pumpkin beer in August.

By using your money to support seasonal creep, you’re pushing summer to end faster. Why would you want to do that? While summer doesn’t quite have the carefree nature it did when everyone was a kid, summer still brings so much to the table. Free concerts, free movies, nutcrackers on beach, the ability to walk or bike places without having to put on three layers, the Gowanus Yacht Club, summer Fridays (if you’re fancy), Governors Island. The list can go on forever. So why am I seeing shit like this already:

By the way: I had pumpkin beer Saturday. And Sunday. RIP, summer.

— Sarah Baicker (@sbaickerCSN) August 11, 2014

Make no mistake, we have the power to change all of this. If you didn’t actually buy pumpkin beer in August, people would stop selling it. If we have to live in a neoliberal nightmare world where the only thing that matters is how much money something makes, then let’s at least try to make the best of it and not throw our money at fucking pumpkin beer when August isn’t half over.

How do you even enjoy that sickly sweet, spiced concoction that is pumpkin beer when it’s 80 degrees out, are you a masochist? Or maybe you’re a sadist, taking delight in the fallen faces of the people around you as they realize we’re getting to the end of summer. If you’re buying pumpkin beer in August, you’re gonna have to work pretty hard to convince me you don’t go to playgrounds and hand the kids flyers for back to school sales in your spare time.

Already, I’m sure that pumpkin beer defenders are throwing up their orange-stained hands and possibly even extending stem-like middle fingers at me. Just to be clear, I’m not saying people who buy pumpkin beer are the worst people in the world, there are so many worse people. People who kick their dogs, the guy who said his neighbor was flying an ISIS flag in front of his house, Joe Scarborough. With your joyous disregard for the fun a little sweat, casual dressing and ocean romps provide, you’re up there, though.

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