Oh man, this Coney Island summer concert schedule is pretty terrible

Slightly Stoopid, maybe you're OK bros but c'mon.
Slightly Stoopid, maybe you’re OK bros but c’mon.

We got pretty hyped when news broke earlier this year about a brand-spanking-new music venue opening on the Coney Island boardwalk this summer, making it the first place to see big shows by the ocean. It sounded like a sure summer win (even if it did controversially involve removing a community garden on the site). Now the Brooklyn Paper has figured out the first batch of concerts coming to the theater this summer and it’s pretty … yikes. It’s sort of like the music your friend from high school who never left your hometown still listens to. It features some names pulled from the “where are they now” pile or musicians that generate that fake stoner reggae vibe particularly popular among frat boys who wear Birkenstocks and call women “brah.” 

The lineup isn’t “officially” released yet, but Brooklyn Paper searched ticket services and tour sites to divine the roster. It includes cock rockers Shinedown (oof), white Jewish reggae-ish music maker Matisyahu (eep) and Slightly Stoopid (d’oh), better known as “Not Sublime.”

The lineup also includes the Deftones,who I definitely enjoyed in high school but am afraid to revisit now on account of possibly realizing how embarrassing my music tastes were as an idiot 16 year old, and Flogging Molly, Celtic punks who maybe make fun music still, idk? The venue will also feature Staten Island comedians Impractical Jokers, who sound like a hoot. The biggest name on this summer’s lineup is 311, a band that could possibly pass for a good #tbt summer beach concert if you came armed with a D train car full of marijuana, if only they weren’t paired with Matisyahu (eep again). Get the full schedule with dates here.

Musical tastes come in all shapes and sizes so we’re not here to judge what you’re into. But when you’re opening a new beachside venue in New York City in 2016, and your lineup looks like a Clear Channel radio festival held in the parking lot of a Target in New Castle, Delaware, that seems like a missed opportunity. Corporate bookers Live Nation is behind these shows, so that might explain some of this. The choices lack any flavor of New York and its culture or diversity. We’re not lacking for musicians around here, even those that can fill a 5,000-seat venue. But hey they gave the Slightly Stoopid fans of the world something to look forward to.

Coney once had an awesome annual music festival (Sleater-Kinney played it!), and there are any number of awesome local artists from Coney and beyond who would line up to play a show with the ocean breeze in their hair. Celebrate Brooklyn seems to have no trouble getting a diverse list of artists to play its shows, and most of those are free. We’re not really sure who this lineup’s target audience is, however: bridge and tunnel 35 year old bros from Long Island and NJ? That Wahlburgers is gonna be LIT.

Tickets will be $35 to upwards of $70, according to the paper. This list does not include the annual free Coney Island music series, which is slated to move to the amphitheater this summer too. In past years, that lineup included Huey Lewis, Chicago, the Go-Go’s and Cheap Trick — those acts are all nostalgia and can be fun, but don’t hold out hope for free shows from someone like Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings, who will be at Prospect Park instead.

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