It’s almost a New Year, so it’s almost time for a New You! That’s how things work, right? You 1.0 never leaped at an opportunity, never went to the gym and always stayed stuck in your shitty, limiting job. You 2.0 though, you’re gonna be a whole patched and upgraded You. You’re gonna hit the gym and you’re gonna leap at so many damn opportunities it’ll be like opportunity parkour. First up: this huge bundle of jobs that are waiting for you, one of which might be better than the job now. If you think it is, don’t hesitate, just apply.
Are you so fluent in all the latest media gossip, scandals and goofs that it’s like a second language to you and your friends always want to start beating you about the head and face because you talk about Media Twitter so much? Well good news, you can take all that fluency and talk about it with other people who care about stuff like that as a writer at Mediaite. If you’ve got knowledge on everything from Paul Ryan’s chief of staff to whether a Colbert segment is funny to the status of David Brooks’ marriage, Mediaite wants you to come aboard and do some blogging and longer stuff too. As long as you know WordPress and our horrible media landscape pretty well, you’re qualified. Just remember your friends are absolutely within their rights to beat you about the head if you get this job and keep talking about Media Twitter to them.
Every industry is crumbling, which means you need to do more crowdfunding than ever. And while there are plenty of avenues in which you can do that, Kickstarter has become the brand name int he endeavor, so we recommend you grasp on to them like some kind of cash-hungry barnacle. And you can do that too, because they need a front end software engineer who knows how to use Ruby on Rails and will make their website look presentable and work correctly and stuff. You need to be able to work well as part of a team and know things like JavaScript and Ember, but if you do, your reward is stuff like competitive pay, a 401(k) and health insurance that includes a dental plan.
The fashion industry is all about people who are pretty on the outside, but you can’t really explain to people why their look is out of date if you’re stupid on the inside. So if you’re smart on the outside and inside, you could do worse than getting this job as a PR assistant at luxury marketing, PR and branding firm Shin Advisors. You’ll be doing normal fashion PR stuff like getting press samples out in the world, putting together press reports and helping plan events. You don’t need much in the way of experience, just a year or two, just make sure you’re alright with selling stuff you probably won’t be able to afford.
On the other hand, you might love fashion but you don’t want to be the one crafting press releases, you want to be the one ignoring them. Well in that case you should definitely apply for this job as an associate staff writer at Glamour. Your responsibilities will be things like writing features for the Fashion/Trends and Glam Living sections of the magazine, as well as contributing to the website, working with freelancers and building relationships with fashion people who you can use as sources. So if you’ve got a couple years of writing experience, are good with deadlines and have the ability to follow through TO THE EXTREME, you could soon someone casually, insufferably mentioning that you work for Conde Nast.
Don’t worry though, if you want to be that person and know nothing of fashion, there’s another opportunity for you. You might remember that Conde Nast bought Pitchfork Media, so their hiring portal also has a listing for an editor at Pitchfork’s blog, Pitch. You’ll be responsible for putting together a stable of good freelance writers, working with other editors across the site to make the blog shiny, dealing with the CMS and social media all damn day, writing editing things for the blog, the website itself and the print publication The Pitchfork Review and deal with people who unfairly think you’re a snob just because you work at Pitchfork.
Remember back when Kenji explained to all of you that getting involved in the food world meant starting at the very bottom and working your way up to the nightmarish walking dead life of a professional chef and warned you to never do it? Good times, good times. If you’re trying to break into the food world despite Kenji’s warning and you need something really entry level, you could do so much worse than a “team member” at Xi’an Famous Foods. Sure it looks more or less like a cashier’s position, but famous chefs love that place, it’s a foot in the door and there aren’t too many places that will pay you $36,000/year and include health insurance for you. You’ve always wanted to be a blurry background person in an Anthony Bourdain show and you need health insurance yesterday, so apply!
As a child, you dreamed of performing at Lincoln Center as an opera singer or a ballerina or some other fancy thing. Now you’re an adult and those dreams have been ground down to dust. Not to worry, you can still perform at Lincoln Center, in a manner of speaking, by becoming their new back-end web developer and building the performance center’s website to help tell the stories that more talented people perform. You’ll be working to make and perfect apps for both ioS and Android platforms, keep all the related company websites going and sometimes filling in for team members with slightly different jobs than you. If you’ve got three years of web experience, know all the coding language there is to know forwards and backwards and have a deep love for the performing arts, this is the job for you.
Finally, how about you try your hand at what must be one of the most deeply distressing and depressing jobs that New York City has to offer, beyond like, corpse hugger or something: an investigator for the New York City Civilian Complaint Review Board! If you want a challenging new job, surely you’ll find one as an investigator of police brutality and misconduct accusations as part of the largest CCRB in the country. Looking over medical reports, weighting testimony, conducting interviews with New Yorkers from all walks of life and ultimately coming to a conclusive decision as to whether the police acted properly or not is important of course and you could make up to $56,000/year. So if you’ve got a bacherlor’s degree, some foreign language skills and aren’t one of those goobers gentrifying Brooklyn juries, this could ultimately end up a rewarding job. Or you could wind up with a Jessica Jones-sized drinking problem.
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I can assure you that the CCRB jobs are NOT REAL…they’ve been posting that ad for years and I don’t know anyone who has heard back from them.