You there, yes, you, the one on the computer: it seems like you’re in need of a new job. Yes, you’re about to become junior manager of your shoeshine stand, and your side-job as a bike-based bread delivery boy only threatens you with vehicular manslaughter occasionally, but I see great potential in you. Why, you could have this whole city in the palm of your hand if you so chose! You could be a titan of industry, a God of capitalism and magnanimity, the very engine that turns the world itself! But, perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself. To begin with, how about we get you a nice job with some paid vacation time, hmm?
How good are you at forwarding funny Vine videos? If your answer was “It is my only true happiness in life”, or any variation thereof, then fantastic news! Vine is currently searching out a Content Curator to help collect the best of the Vine community and distill it into one succinct voice, and I assume that voice would revolve mainly around cats. This also means having a job at one of the biggest Brooklyn tech-startups on the market, so prepare for ice cream socials and office pets (which they’re also now hiring) and whatever other awesome nonsense they’re up to. It requires only 2-4 years worth of experience in the media world, but one must also be an avid Vine user, so it’s finally time to put your internet-celebrity status to work. Of course, if you happen to have video editing, copywriting, or Photoshop experience, feel free to mention it, but remember to keep it brief (I’ve heard these guys have kind of a short attention span).
Schmoozing is an under-appreciated art form, especially here in New York City, but if you consider yourself a true craftsman of knowing people and talking to them about other people, then head on over to Blake Zidell and Associates and apply for their new Junior Publicist position to flaunt your talents. Blake Zidell (and presumably his Associates) represent record labels, musicians, venues, and more, so a good ear for the next big thing would be a big plus in this case. Beyond knowing what’s hip, big Z is looking for someone with at least a year’s worth of experience and some connects in the music media world. Remember, it’s not an easy job to get free tickets to go and hang out with musicians and their friends every night, but someone has to do it.
As you’ve probably already heard, recently things got a little bit worse for women everywhere not trying to listen to crazy evangelicals talk about their private parts. If that Supreme Court ruling left you vaguely wanting to punch something, you can take that burning rage and channel it into a new career! Great organizations all over New York (which we’ve referred to previously) are hiring for all sorts of positions, however my personal favorite has to be working as the Major Gifts Philanthropy Coordinator over at Planned Parenthood. The job description seems to boil down to doing research about the nice people who are donating large piles of money so that women can actually have rights when it comes to their own bodies, and then giving them the proper recognition along the lines of saying, “Thank you for not being like those other schmucks,” which sounds just lovely. The job requires at least three years of previous non-profit work, some computer skills, and a serious desire to not put up with any more of this bullshit.
As we all know, at one point in the near future, all of Williamsburg will be collectively leveled to make room for one giant condo megaplex that will stretch from Greenpoint to Bushwick, but in the meantime we must do our damndest to support whatever pieces of beauty still remain, including The Sketchbook Project. The Sketchbook Project, a traveling library of artist’s sketchbooks that has found a home across the street from The Levee, is looking for a part-time Assistant Director to help them maintain the collection, keep the office, and resist the urge to make flipbooks all day. If you’ve got just a little office experience and a lot of passion, then this job could be yours, and although the hours aren’t full time, it does come with the promise of potential travel with the collection, paid vacation, and pizza (and the thought of helping a beautiful piece of Brooklyn doesn’t hurt either).
While I view children to be tiny germ balls with creepy limbs, I have been told that some people genuinely seem to appreciate the experience of having one of these tiny drunken monsters in their presence. To those people, I would highly recommend applying for this new Teaching Instructor position at the New York Kid’s Club and applying Purell to your hands. The job only requires one year of experience working with children (though more couldn’t hurt you), and also the willingness to sing to children, which is basically like asking if you have a soul or not. If you’ve got a degree in working with children it’d be helpful, as well as any knowledge you might have on art, sports, dance, or karate. So, if you like working with children, teaching them to use their fists as lethal weapons, and/or plenty of potential for upward advancement, send in a resume and school them on why they should be paying you.
If your goal in life is to live up to the full stereotype of the new millennial generation, then there’s really only one job that you want, and have wanted for quite some time now: Graphic Designer at Warby Parker. Yes, the hyper-cool sunglasses dispensary is looking to bring in someone with a good artistic eye (see what I did there?) to help them with print and digital designing. If you’ve got roughly three years in the industry, a firm handle on Adobe Suite and a killer portfolio, then that someone could very well be you. The perks at this job rank high on the list, with free glasses (duh), phones, lunches and gym memberships, company trips and…costumes? Whatever, if you’re looking for a cool office and some new frames, then this is definitely the place you want to be.
Okay, so maybe you’re not a Vine celebrity, or a karate master, or a graphic artiste, but perhaps you are pretty good with numbers. And perhaps you like cake. If so, then you are definitely in luck, as nouveau bakery/stoner paradise Momofuku Milk Bar is looking to take on a Junior Controller to help out behind the scenes. The job itself involves keeping the books for the several Milk Bars, filing some paperwork (check box labeled YES if crack pie is, in fact, delicious), and generally making nice with all the other Milk departments. They don’t list any necessary experience on their advertisement, so while I wouldn’t list “filed my roommate’s taxes last year” on your resume, if you’ve got some experience tossing around numbers and would like to be paid in milkshakes and cookies, then start applying.
Leave a Reply