Well, Brooklynites, it’s almost summer. That means, of course, that it’s just about time now to start complaining about everything. From the heat to the trains to how crowded that one bar is (and yet you still keep going), this is a beautiful time in New York where denizens of the city get to engage in their most favorite activity: pointing out things that are awful. However, to make sure that your job doesn’t fall into this category, here are some amazing positions looking for beautiful people just like you.
Have you ever been checking out at a grocery store, picked up a magazine, and thought, “Yeah, stars ARE just like us! These people really get it!” Well, then do your best not to have a panic attack when I tell you that Us Weekly is looking for a Style and Beauty Writer. Commence girly shriek now, if you feel inclined to do so. Their ideal candidate would be a seasoned vet in the “blogging about what celebrities are wearing” beat, with a knowledge ranging from croppedest top to the belliest bottom. They are looking for 3+ years on the field, but I’m sure you can make up for it with adequate…fierceness? You’ll have a focus on awards shows and high-profile events at this gig, but you may still be asked to write the occasional celebrity gossip every now and then, so if you don’t know what kind of cake was served at the Kimye wedding, then keep looking (psyche! there was no cake! Just twinkies dipped in solid gold with the word “Racist” on them!).
If that last job sounded like your own personal version of hell, then have I got the job for you: The Sportsman Channel is looking for a Writer/Producer to produce segments for them and I guess help them with their true goal of domesticating bears. The job is exactly what you’d think it is, but even manlier, calling for a passionate love of hunting, fishing, shooting, and generally killing smaller, more delicious animals with various accouterment. Beyond the love of nature and of killing it, the job also requires some serious producer skills, so if writing, editing, branding, design, and budgeting are all in your wheelhouse, and also you built your own wheelhouse, then feel free to send in a resume. Also, the job may require you to travel, presumably to an island where you hunt the most dangerous game.
Hey you! You seem to speak English, and since you’re reading this fine publication, then that means you’re also not a terrible person. How would you feel about doing something good today? That’s what I was hoping to hear, because Hot Bread Kitchen is looking for an ESL Instructor. If you’re not familiar with the concept of Hot Bread Kitchen, they are a not-for-profit bakery collective that finds women immigrants who are in need of help and gives it to them, in the form of baking, serving unique and regional bread from all over the world, baked by women originally from there and in need, and then lets them keep the profits. It’s all very uplifting, however, the whole business plan means that there are a lot of women who can’t speak English running around a kitchen trying to accomplish some pretty exact baking. That’s where you come in. They’re looking for someone to teach these women English, preferably someone who has a few years of teaching ESL elsewhere. So help these bakers learn to speak English, and expect their heartfelt gratitude in return, as well as all the carbs you could possibly imagine.
If you live in Brooklyn, and you are either tech-savvy or crazy artsy (and if not, well, why are you in Brooklyn?), then you’ve been thinking about working in just one place since you got here: Tumblr. Well, the time is here, and it is time to ascend to the full millenial stereotype. Tumblr is actively looking for a Product Designer to join their merry band of artists (seriously, there’s only eight of them, I think Arcade Fire has more people than that). As to what you’ll be designing, the job description seems to point to “everything”, from sales materials to press releases to app…stuff? If being at the hidden steering wheel behind the voice of Tumblr sounds intriguing to you, feel free to apply, but fair warning: this is a good job for any down-on-their-luck tech designer, but not exactly an entry-level gig. The post requires app launching experience, knowledge of Photoshop and Illustrator, and some light coding, but also comes with all of the expected twee office perks that come from working at a tech-startup colossus, including puppies and balloons.
Are you the next Johnny Karate?! If your answer was “yes”, then please begin working on your six-pack and a car will be by shortly to take you to Marvel Studios. If your answer was “yeah, maybe,” then it’s time to put your guitar where your mouth is. Tiny child school Little Maestros is looking for musicians who are the Jimi Hendrixes, Janis Joplins, Billy Joels, and Keith Moons of singing to small children (bad examples?) and it sounds like they’re willing to pay top dollar for them. So, if you find yourself less than repulsed by tiny humans and their little hands, and also have an inclination towards music and silliness, then feel free to apply here with your headshot and resume, and ideally your rendition of “Bacon Pancakes”.
So, you went with the English major, huh? And how’s that working out for you? Well, not that bartending isn’t fulfilling, but if you’re looking for somewhere you can actually put that writing degree to use, I’ve got just the place for you. New Media PR firm/digital boutique agency/Buzzword Generator Carrot Creative is looking for a Content Copywriter to produce content to fill out any and all remaining space on the internet. The job would require you to produce content on a bunch of different topics in a bunch of different settings, so if you’ve got a diverse portfolio, that’s only gonna help you here. They’re also looking for someone with Adobe Creative Suite and Keynote knowledge, as well as a mastery of social media. However, the perks here are pretty sweet and live up to the hype of a Brooklyn ad agency, with everything from gym memberships to unlimited vacation to free beer, barbecue and cupcakes in the office. It almost seems to good to be tru- Ah, dammit, it’s a Vice company! Well, if you feel alright with working for our new Brooklyn overlords, feel free to apply within.
And finally, “Sex Sent Me To The ER!” is casting. Because you weren’t using that last piece of your soul anyways.
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