Hello, Brooklynites, and happy Wednesday to you all! I’d like to issue a message specifically to the unhappily employed out there in our fine borough: I am envious of you. My job of sniffing out the best employment opportunities in NYC has never been easier, and if I wasn’t so happily employed at the completely-not-made-of-cardboard offices of Brokelyn I’d be racing to snap all of these jobs up as quickly as I could. Fortunately, if you are job-deficient, or even just annoyed by your boss’s pronunciation of “banal”, then the stars have aligned for you, since it has never been easier to get a job that makes you the least ba-nal person in the room.
First off, we’ve got the BRIC Media Center hiring, and that place is dripping with cool (literally, that one time with the performance artist). They are looking for an Education Manager for their Youth Media program, so if you happen to think that generations beyond ours might in fact enjoy having a little culture, then BRIC could probably use you. The job involves a lot of coordinating between schools and Teaching Artists, and making sure you remember which post-modern art belongs to the children and which belongs to the artists. They are looking for someone with some experience teaching to kids, and ideally a fair amount of artsy knowledge as well, so if you’re looking to help kids look beyond fingerpainting as “fine art,” then this is definitely the place to be.
Next up, we’ve got a job looking for someone who loves to write and who also happens to love theater (aw, who am I kidding, there’s no one like that in New York!). American Theatre is looking for someone to join their publication as a Production Editor and help them get the latest scoop on the Great White Way (if you don’t know what that’s referring to, maybe just skip on to the next listing). The job involves a lot of behind-the-scenes work as well as writing, which means managing budgets and writers; however, that means that if the Turn Off the Dark musical ever comes back, you’ll actually be able to tell someone “Get me pictures of SPIDER-MAN!” ideally with a cigar in your mouth. You’re welcome.
I find that one of the most annoying aspects of children is that they are constantly demanding food, up to three times a day, and yet have no idea how to assemble it for themselves. If you’d like to help me out, or the kids, I guess, then sign up here because PS 216 is looking for a new Kitchen Teacher to join their Edible Schoolyard NYC program (also, don’t eat the schoolyard, that is asphalt). The job involves sharing your culinary passion with the next generation, or at the very least teaching them how to impress someone on a date, and requires a few years of teaching kids and ideally some cooking experience as well. The job also involves teaching kids about produce and gardening, so if you have a green thumb and you haven’t chopped it off in a kitchen accident yet, all the better.
Alright, I know I usually go through a lot of “if you…” questions at the beginning of these, trying to find a specific kind of person who will fit the job, but this one is special because it’s just one query: are you cool? Like, unbelievably, people-have-legit-blogged-about-it cool? Because if so, and you’re looking to explore and write about the art world and go to sick parties and generally live the coolest life ever, then you’re in luck: Artsy, the website/app looking to be everything possible to the art world, is looking for an Associate Editor to join their team and write about all of the newest and coolest fine art available. If you have any previous writing experience before this, obviously that’s a plus, but mainly you’ll need a knowledge of the global art scene, and a general understanding of what, exactly, is the best art (and yes, there’s a “best one”, and no, it’s not that landscape you bought at a thrift store that someone had painted a dinosaur into. Although it could be.).
Okay, so you’re cool, but maybe, instead of looking at cool things, you love being the thing looked at; don’t worry, we’ve got you covered. Nylon Consulting, a fashion PR firm based out of Brooklyn, is looking for an Account Executive to help get the message out there to the rest of the sheeple about what is and isn’t in this season. Now, if you live in New York and haven’t yet met a fashion PR person, then I envy you tremendously and say good job on your first three weeks here, but know that probably won’t last. For those who have, you know what the job requires: going to all of the hottest fashion events, looking painfully hip professionally, and literally never looking up from your phone. If this describes you anyways, and no one’s paying you for it, then change that now and send in a resume (preferably on Louis Vuitton-branded paper).
Do you have a love of cooking? Do you think you could explain to someone why they should love it to? Ideally you said yes to those two questions, and ideally you are in need of a few extra bucks as well, because Plated, one of the many new apps focused on shipping ingredients right to your door so you literally have no reason not to cook, is looking for Customer Experience Associates to help out dummies who can’t figure out the instructions of “chop these things up and heat them.” This company is actually doing a lot of hiring right now, so if you’re proficient in anything from coding to copywriting and happen to be looking for a job where the breakroom smells delicious all day, then this would be the place to go. The job requires some previous experience, but also, promises enough free food to make you need to live on the first floor of your building.
Next job is for a very select group: Have you ever looked up at one of those giant murals that cover the sides of buildings, seen the people hanging off the building painting, and thought “Yeah, they seem cool.” Well, if so, congratulations, because they think you’re awesome as well: Colossal Media, makers of many of the giant murals you see all over the city, are looking for some new blood to add to their Sales and Marketing department. Basically, your job will entail convincing companies that it’s totally badass to make intricate, insane art that’s twenty stories tall, which shouldn’t be terribly difficult. They would ideally like someone who has some decent photography skills, and they also reference Terry Richardson, but try not to hold that against them.
Finally, if you’d like to destroy the machine from the inside out, be my guest.
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